The first month of the new year is almost over, and I have to say you've made amazing strides in maximizing your productivity.

I have to say it, but it isn't true.

You're the same sluggish, distracted underperformer you were in 2019, maybe even worse. This isn't the productivity boost you resolved to achieve, nor is it what your managers expected after that harrowing, end-of-the-year pep talk you received instead of an end-of-the-year bonus.

But there's still hope.

Drag yourself off that couch and read "Nine Productivity Experts on How You Can Finally Beat Distractions and Get Everything Done," a Lindsay Tigar article for Fast Company.

Or, if that's too much productivity for you, lie back down and I'll review a few highlights.

Making her our No. 1 favorite performance coach ever, Raphaela O'Day suggests that you "perform microbursts of physical activity." I'm not so hot on the "bursts," but the "micro" concept is fantastic.

O'Day describes a microburst as "a brisk walking meeting" or the decision to "walk up and down a flight of stairs between conference calls." Unfortunately, these activities seem more macro than micro, especially for someone in your physical condition.

A more appropriate microburst for you is to pick up a jelly donut and wolf it down. Repeat this exercise two or three times a day and you'll see that "mini, short-lived bursts of energy" can indeed make an impact — on your productivity and on your waistline.

"Don't skip meals" is the advice of nutritionist Alyssa Tucci. As she explains, "When we skip meals our blood sugar drops, which saps our energy and can make it hard to concentrate."

I certainly agree that you should not skip meals. You should also take care not to skip meals between meals. These between-meals are important because they give you something to accomplish when you're not at lunch and certainly don't want to be working.

Tucci further suggests you "focus on protein- and fiber-rich foods." That's fine, but don't forget beer. Beer is the perfect food, rich in protein and fiber, or so you will come to believe after you've had about six.

"Get enough sleep" is the contribution of Kaiser psychiatrist Don Mordecai. "The average adult needs between seven and eight hours of shut-eye nightly," he explains.

I'm no psychiatrist, though I have certainly seen my share, but I think Mordecai significantly underestimates the amount of time you should be spending in dreamland. Double the amount to 14 to 16 hours a day, leaving you with a super productive eight to 10 hours of awake time.

Schedule those highly productive awake hours to occur when you're not at work. You'll need them to watch "The Bachelor" and eat salty snacks.

"Transition better" is the advice of success coach Colene Elridge. To effectively move between projects, Coach Elridge recommends "taking a pause to acknowledge your progress."

"Five deep breaths before you respond to the next email" represent a sufficient pause for Elridge. That's cutting it short, I say. You answered an email. For you, that's productivity at its best. For an accomplishment of this scope, a week is a much more appropriate pause, or maybe two.

Spend your pause in a sun-kissed, tropical climate where you can truly focus on your accomplishment — and focus on your tan, too. You'll be bronze and rested when you come back to tackle the next email, the urgency of which, if you're lucky, has been stripped away.

This is an accomplishment in itself. All that remains now is to get the sand out of your bathing suit and take another five breaths.

"Chew gum" is the productivity recommendation of registered dietician Keith-Thomas Ayoob. According to Ayoob, chewing gum has the ability to "enhance attention, and promote well-being and work performance."

If this advice seems somewhat suspicious, I must remind you that extensive research has been done on the subject. The fact that the science and scientists have been financed, in part, by the Wrigley Science Institute in no way vitiates the results. This goes double for the calumny spread by the Doublemint twins.

"Do what is important to you in the morning" is the advice of personal trainer Jill McKay. "Before the day gets away from you," she says, prioritize your morning to do something that brings you joy."

I agree, 110%.

When you get up tomorrow morning, do what will bring you joy.

Pull the covers over your head, and go back to sleep.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: StartupStockPhotos at Pixabay