Dear Annie: My sister-in-law, "Kay," was once one of my closest friends. For more than 25 years, we were there for each other through everything: marriages, divorce, raising children, heartbreak and all the ordinary ups and downs of life. We never had a serious fight, and I truly believed we would always be family in every sense of the word.

Years ago, after her divorce, my husband and I lent Kay $10,000 to help her get back on her feet. She never repaid it and never mentioned it again. I let that go because I valued the relationship more than the money.

Everything changed when our oldest son married a wonderful woman, "Tara." For reasons I still do not fully understand, Kay seemed instantly jealous and began sending cruel texts to relatives about how "awful" Tara was. Tara was deeply hurt, and my husband and I made it clear that we supported our daughter-in-law.

Then things got even worse. Last fall, Kay sent a stream of nasty messages not only to me but also to our son and Tara. The messages were so hurtful that my husband finally told her to stop contacting us. Instead of apologizing, she insulted both me and Tara and then claimed she had never sent the texts at all.

We have had no contact since then, and honestly, life has felt much more peaceful.

Now, out of the blue, Kay has reached out to say she has stage 3 breast cancer and is facing months of treatment. She is asking us to rally around her emotionally and financially, and even had her son call to pressure us into reconnecting. The problem is, she has never apologized to me, my son or Tara.

My husband feels torn because she is his sister and she is clearly in crisis. I feel sympathy for her illness, but I do not want to reopen the door to more pain and chaos. Tara is still hurt, and so am I.

How do you show compassion to someone who has deeply wounded your family without inviting the same destruction back into your life? — Torn Between Compassion and Peace

Dear Compassion and Peace: Cancer calls for compassion, but it does not erase bad behavior. You can be kind without handing her the keys back to your peace. If your husband wants to help, let it be in a limited way, perhaps a card, a meal or practical support, but not a full return to the old relationship until she offers a sincere apology. Illness does not give a free pass for someone to act disrespectfully, and forgiveness does not require foolishness.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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