When I'm in the mood to be traumatized, I usually just go bathing suit shopping. Jeans shopping runs a close second. But when I really want to be both traumatized and insulted, I can always count on the ladies at the makeup counter of the department store to help me out.

"Can I help you?" asked the woman with dramatically arched, drawn-on eyebrows that made her look perpetually surprised.

"Um, I'm looking for a moisturizer," I said reluctantly. I usually just go to the drugstore for my face creams, but just out of curiosity, I thought I would check out the latest in anti-aging treatments like bat-dung serums and placenta creams.

She studied my face for a moment and then reached out and tweaked my cheek.

"Ow!"

"Just checking your elasticity," she said.

I rubbed my tweaked cheek. She grabbed something from behind the counter and held it up to my face. A blue light shone into my eyes.

"Severe sun damage," she pronounced loudly.

I tried to recall if I had willingly come to this counter or if I'd seen a commercial that put me in a trance and brainwashed me to come here. It could happen.

"Here's something that will help with the fine lines around your mouth and the sagging skin under your eyes," she said, swiping some foul-smelling cream under my eyes and around my mouth. My eyes immediately began to burn and tear.

"This one is also non-comedogenic, so it won't clog those big pores on your chin," she said as she swiped some orange goo on my chin. It quickly hardened so the pained expression on my mouth froze in place.

"...And this one will help reduce the appearance of the deeper lines on your forehead that you get when you frown — like you are right now."

Imagine that: I was frowning.

"This one is so powerful," she said, holding up a small jar. "It has been shown to reduce wrinkles on the knees of a rhinoceros."

I wondered who decided that the best way to test out wrinkle creams for women was to apply them on the knees of a rhinoceros, and honestly, who actually lived to share the results. The ironic thing was that before I came into the store, I wasn't even aware that I had fine lines around my mouth, sagging skin under my eyes, enlarged pores on my chin and deep wrinkles on my forehead. I just wanted to get a moisturizer for dry winter skin.

"I think you would benefit from these three creams," she finally pronounced, stacking them on the counter. I studied the tiny little jars.

"How much?" I asked, as though I hadn't been horrified enough.

"This one is $130 for an ounce. This one is $150, and this little one is $95," she said nonchalantly.

I did the math. "Three hundred and seventy-five dollars?!?!?"

"Plus tax," she said. My hardened jaw dropped.

"But in six to 10 weeks, you should notice a dramatic reduction in the appearance of all your fine lines and wrinkles!" she exclaimed.

"Yes," I said, "But if I leave right now, I will immediately notice a dramatic reduction in the appearance of you."

Tracy Beckerman is the author of the Amazon Bestseller, "Barking at the Moon: A Story of Life, Love, and Kibble," available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online! You can visit her at www.tracybeckerman.com. To find out more about Tracy Beckerman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Nika_Akin at Pixabay