Dear Family Coach: My husband and I confided something private to our 10-year-old son. We told him this was a family matter and not to tell anyone. We've come to find out that he immediately told his entire class and teacher. We are horrified and feel totally violated. What punishment can I enforce to teach him a lesson? — Secret Keeper

Dear Secret Keeper: It is you who needs a lesson, not your son. It was unreasonable to put the burden of that secret on him. At 10 years old, he hardly understands the implications of telling a secret, and he probably won't get it until his empathy fully develops. Likely, it's not until he has a secret of his own that he will truly understand the concept.

I don't know what you told him, but there are several reasons why he might have spilled the beans. It's possible that the secret caused him stress and anxiety. His intention in telling that secret might have been to get some help for his feelings. Since you told him he couldn't tell anyone, he also got the message that discussing it with you might be off limits. On the other hand, he might have been exceptionally excited by what you told him and had difficulty controlling his enthusiasm.

In general, it isn't a good precedent for adults to ask children to keep secrets. For children, more damage than good can come from them. In the future, it's best to share news with your child when it no longer needs to be a secret. Above all else, make sure to inform your son that despite the news, he will be OK and so will you.

Dear Family Coach: I recently found out that my teenage daughter has smoked marijuana with my younger sister on occasion. My sister is 25 and unmarried and has has no children. I'm incensed. How should I handle this situation with both my daughter and my sister? — Dismayed

Dear Dismayed: Wow, that's quite a violation. Aside from the fact that your sister is breaking the law and contributing to the delinquency of a minor, she is being terribly disrespectful to you as the parent. She doesn't have her own children, and she is evidently out of touch with how to raise one. It's your job now to instruct her on what is and isn't all right for her to do with your child.

Before discussing the issue with your sister, take a moment to breathe and think about exactly what you would like to say. Make a list of the important points. Also, write down your thoughts on how you felt when you learned of this betrayal. You sister should not only know why her actions were wrong but also be told how they made you feel. This will help her in the future to see that her actions affect more than just her.

As for your daughter, talk to her about drug use and how it might derail her from accomplishing her dreams. Discuss addiction with her. I'm sure she has heard about the concept, but really talk to her about how addiction can overtake someone's life. Lastly, tell your daughter in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable to do drugs or drink alcohol with any adult.

Keep an eye on your sister and her relationship with your children for the foreseeable future. If you find that she identifies more with them as a friend rather than as an aunt and an adult figure, you many need to limit her exposure to them, especially when they are alone.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.