Ellen says when she looks at her husband Jim, she feels "numb." He's 60; she's 50. They've been married for 24 years, and they have two children.
"At times I feel so lonely my soul hurts," she says.
She says Jim is an alcoholic: "15 years ago he was caught driving under the influence with our son in the car. The Department of Children and Family Services became involved and he had to leave our home for a week. It was so embarrassing. He did stop drinking for a few months, but went right back. I should have left then."
Everything became worse three years ago when Jim was laid off. Ellen had divorce papers drawn up a year ago. She was ready to sign them when he was diagnosed with emphysema.
They no longer have sex. "It's kind of hard to be intimate when I go to bed alone every night," she says. "He falls asleep on the couch, watching TV. Not to mention he really can't perform. I thought when the kids got older, it would be like when we were first married, but it isn't. If I suggest anything, I get a look like I've asked for the world. Being turned down so many times is crushing my ego not to mention my heart."
In the last 18 months, Ellen has lost 40 pounds. "I was hoping maybe that would spark something, but it didn't," she says. "I've been heavy most of my life and have tried many times to lose weight. This time it clicked. My mother passed away a week before her 50th birthday and although I have no major health problems, unlike her, this is a major year for me.
"I'm too young to sit in the house. I like to be active. I have a full-time job and a weekend job. They get me out of the house and provide extra money, but they're a poor substitute for a partner.
"I've considered having an affair, but I haven't met anyone. I don't think it's sex I'm looking for so much as someone to do things with. I spend time with my girlfriends but it's not the same as being with a man."
Ellen says she and Jim have never been to marriage counseling. "I don't believe he'd go," she says. "I can't even get him to go out to dinner. I've suggested date nights — nothing over the top — just a walk on the trails near our house. It's free! He says I should go myself, but then he complains when I'm gone.
"I've told him many times how unhappy I am but he just says I should find someone or he'll be dead soon. I don't know what's going to happen. I guess we'll just continue like this. I'll find hobbies to keep me busy while he continues to sit on the couch. With his emphysema, smoking and drinking, anything can happen. I really don't want him to die, but it's in the back of my mind.
"I've seen letters in your column from men who have the same problem with their wives. I know you're not a match-making service, but it's too bad there isn't a club for people like us!"
How did you decide it was time to divorce? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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