Time to Take Charge

Dear Cheryl,

I'm a 57-year-old divorced woman who attracts the wrong men. I'm divorced because I had an affair after being married for 30 years. My husband was neglecting me and taking me for granted.

The man I had the affair with — who caused me to lose everything I had worked for all my life — deceived me. He fooled me into falling in love with him and didn't tell me he has a lady friend that he's been with — but not living with — for over 20 years. Now I find out he never stopped seeing her. He would call me at one or two in the morning for a booty call and I, like a nut, would go. Sometimes, the other woman would chase after my car. I won't do that anymore, even though he still calls.

I recently started another affair with a married man who says all the things he knows I want to hear. But when the issue of money comes up, he ignores me for weeks at a time. (You should know that I'm on disability because I suffer from depression and anxiety, among other things, and I don't work.)

I need love and support and someone who really cares for me, but I keep finding bad men. The only thing I'm doing differently this time is I won't pick up this man for a booty call. I need help. — Depressed, Anxious and Needy

Dear DAAN,

Step one — Get out of the Poor Me mode. Take responsibility for your actions. You don't attract the wrong men. You pick them. You had an affair while you were married, not because your husband neglected you, but because you wanted to. The man you had the affair with didn't cause you to lose everything. That's all your doing. He didn't make you continue the affair once you knew there was another woman involved, etc., etc., etc.

And now you've started an affair with a married man. Guess how this one is going to end?

I want to help you. I'm going to give you some very specific steps to follow. First: End the affair. And then, stop looking for a man to love. You've got work to do before you're ready for a relationship. Second: Deal with your health. Are you on medication? Is it working? If not, see your doctor and get the depression and anxiety under control.

Third: Get a job! Find out how much money you can earn without jeopardizing your disability and then earn some money. It will help you in so many ways. You'll meet people, you'll gain self-respect, you'll be out in the world, and — oh, yeah — you'll make money! And once you become financially independent, you won't need to depend on men for cash. That will improve your next relationship 100 percent when you're ready for one. You'll meet as equals, not as the needy partner and the withholding partner.

Fourth: Volunteer for an activity that interests you, whether it's working with children, the elderly, handicapped, animals — whatever. Anything that will get you to stop focusing on yourself and make you realize that you're not the only one with problems. Fifth: Take a class. Learn a new skill or language. You need to enlarge your world. Sixth: Make some quality friends. Find them through volunteering or school or church.

All of this is designed to enrich your life (and your wallet) so that your happiness (and financial security) doesn't depend on a man. Good luck and stay in touch!

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my new ebook, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."

To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.