Dear Cheryl: I'm a 60-year-old single woman; I've never married. I own my home and hold a professional position. My boyfriend of over 10 years (who's younger) and I have discussed marriage, but it hasn't happened yet. I don't trust him, and with good reason. I have the most to lose if things don't work out. Here's one of our roadblocks:
He wants us to only have joint checking and savings accounts, no individual accounts. I've told him that I couldn't agree to that but I'm willing to have a household account. I'd never relinquish my financial independence. He thinks that means I'm not committed to the oneness of the family. I think it just protects me financially. He has children; I don't.
This seems to be a deal breaker for us, but I just can't bring myself to agree to something that every instinct in my body tells me is wrong. His insistence is curious to me. In the 21st century, should women who bring home the bacon have to "submit" to their husbands? — Just Can't Do it
Dear Just Can't Do It: You just can't do it, because it's wrong, wrong, wrong. And bizarre, bizarre, bizarre. There's no good (make that legitimate) reason why he's pressuring you to commingle your finances with his. You say the joint checking account is just one of the roadblocks in your relationship. I shudder to think what the others are.
I'm not going to tell you to end a 10-year relationship. Obviously, there are parts of it that are working for you, even though one of those parts isn't trust. But please think long and hard before you agree to marry him, even if he drops the joint-accounts deal breaker.
If you do marry him, please, please, please see a lawyer before, and make sure your assets are protected, and your home and your estate will go to whomever you wish.
Dear Cheryl: My sister recently found out her best friend's husband was cheating. She asked me what to do. I told her she has to tell. The Golden Rule says treat others as you would want to be treated. I would want to know if my husband were cheating on me.
There are potentially devastating consequences for a woman kept in the dark: Contracting an incurable STD, becoming infertile, wasting prime child-bearing years with a cheat when she could've left and made a life with someone else, and being unpleasantly surprised when the other woman goes psycho or gets pregnant.
Consider this: My uncle, who I loved dearly, contracted HIV/AIDS from his cheating partner and died a painful death in a hospice. It was gut-wrenching for me to see him like that. Being silent is being complicit and knowingly allowing someone to be harmed.
When you tell, have solid evidence because a cheater will deny, deny, deny. I've been there. And if you're worried about your friend getting angry, send an anonymous email or Facebook message. — No Ifs, ands or buts About it
Dear NIAOBAI: I've always thought this was a really sticky situation, one that friends should stay away from. But you make some pretty powerful arguments, especially the one about allowing a woman (or man) to make a better life with a faithful partner.
Readers, what do you think?
Got a problem? Send your tale, along with your questions and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not.
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