DEAR SUSAN: I'm in love with a married woman. She knows but says she won't ever leave her marriage because it gives her the security she never had. She tells me about her bedroom activities, saying she hopes I find someone as sexy as she is. But honestly, I'm in love with her forever. I can't look at another woman. Am I doomed to wait for her forever? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Only if you choose to wait. That choice leads you nowhere but to lifelong misery. Still, it's a melodramatic scenario casting you as spurned lover and lifelong victim of self-inflicted pain. I repeat: It's a choice. There is no tighter bondage than one-sided love. It holds you firmly in its grip, offering no relief or release. The worst moments occur in the dark, when you visualize your beloved in the arms of the other man, ecstatic with his mouth on her flesh. In your fantasy world, she can be your tormenter at times and your idealized life partner at other times, both of them existing only in your mind's eye — never to be realized in the flesh she so willingly offers to him, never to you. You're more than a prisoner of your love; you're a willing sacrifice to an idealized woman. Break the chains, or doom yourself to the funeral pyre.

DEAR SUSAN: A fellow blogger was dithering about being the "May" of a May-December romance. I suggest he forget about a woman's age and make the all-important decision of whether she is an interesting, sexy person he wants to be with. In other words, he should watch his reaction to the woman; that's the all-important guide. He should take it from there. Not every older woman will live up to his concept of a sexy "cougar," so he should keep the age factor on the back burner as he meets different women. Some will intrigue him, and if they're his age, so be it. The better way is to focus on the woman and make her date of birth incidental. I don't know his age, but I'm sure it would be possible for him to find someone close to his own age who, for some reason, has wider life experience and with whom he would experience the same "ferocity" he believes is the exclusive property of older women. It's not. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Hear! Hear! This cougar gladly seconds your emotion (and then some). The "Single File" blog has proudly carried some of the most thoughtful posts in all of newspaperland, blossoming into an online haven for all ages and stages of the unmarried community. It has become an online resting place where singles can kick back with perfect ease and safety. And I, for one, am britches-busting proud to be part of it.

I agree with you that it's the person, not the age, that brings fulfillment. And that goes equally for women seeking the younger lover. If the hard body doesn't house a youthful, optimistic spirit, the thrill is gone. (And yes, you can read my lips.)

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

Photo credit: Michael Coghlan