DEAR SUSAN: There's only one winner in a race, but finding a mate isn't a competition. If you daily see countless others with someone alongside and you are always alone — but don't want to be — isn't that unfair? Hey, it's unfair that there are millionaires and I'm not one. Life is unfair. But everyone can find someone. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Fair schmair. Jack Kennedy said it: Life is unfair. As someone who spent his childhood in bed as a sickly young man (and had persistent health problems in adulthood), he recognized the unevenness of life. No, life (or fate, if you prefer) isn't at all evenhanded. But I agree with you, my reader, that all people can find someone if they really want to. The "really" means a willingness to overlook, to compromise, to do without less important qualities. (Old World wisdom has it that the way to a happy marriage is to keep one eye shut and the other half-open. It's worth a try, no?) That's why you must know what you really need in a partner, as opposed to the silly little frills that are the nonessentials. I strongly suggest writing the two lists on paper so you can see for yourself the gap between the two. And I hope you take your insights to heart and follow through.

DEAR SUSAN: I've just had a lousy experience with online dating. I am so turned off it isn't funny. I went and told all sorts of personal things about myself to a total stranger, thinking he was interested in knowing more about me, and it turned out to be a disaster. Never again, I tell myself. What do you hear about online dating? It hurts. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Funny thing about online relationships: They get lots of attention and lots of buzz, but no one has quite figured out how to make them work for both people. One person is called on to spill his or her guts; the other listens. The gut spiller is thereby weakened, the listener empowered. Think about that, online or off. Don't bare your soul. No game playing, of course, but do keep some things shrouded, unsaid. There's a lot to you, so hold back. Give the listener time and space to react, respond. That way, the power of knowing the other person is shared. Neither person is in the position of telling all — to an unseen listener — and not seeing the other person's reactions. It should — must — be a give-and-take situation.

The same goes for in-person dating. No game playing, but hold back a little on your life story. A tinge of mystery is attractive. Very.

I do hope you return to online dating, warrior woman. But for now, leave your computer and go outdoors into the summer and its world of sunshine and ease. Frolic and laugh and chuckle at this thing called romance. It's OK at times, but right now you need a cooling-off period. Summer heat is perfect for that.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

Photo credit: