DEAR SUSAN: I believe the terms "cougar" and "prey" are typically used for a one-night stand between an older woman and a younger man, not for every coupling between an older woman and a younger man. (That one-night stand has a practical reason: A younger man is likelier to be open to sex that has no commitment attached, and therefore he is more "disposable" than an older man, who might also be looking for someone to cook and clean for him.) Those terms aren't meant to apply to ongoing relationships, but I guess there are still some people so amazed that a young man might find an older woman appealing enough to hang around that they use the terms loosely. It's unfortunate, because there's no "preying" in an ongoing relationship; both partners are presumed to be contributing to and satisfied with the relationship, whatever genders are involved. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Words are just words, some say. But anyone with a modicum of sensitivity can actually feel their power — especially in these pre-election debates.

In today's "cougar" scenario, the younger male is breezily equated with the hunted, with the senior female cast as predator. Now really, folks, is this any way to paint a romantic scenario? I think not. First of all, it casts the male of our species as flabby-muscled, unsure of himself, ignorant of his own sexuality, emotionally needy to the max. That's unflattering, totally unrealistic and a sexual turnoff if there ever was one! In other words, without a mother figure leading him through erotic twists and turns, the youngish man is totally befuddled when it comes to his sex life. Not so, this columnist maintains. Men nowadays are wiser (and more open) to the ways of pleasuring a woman than ever before, which is a very good development for both sexes. We're in such a young country, without the stultifying mores of the past creating a mob scene in the bedroom. No, the more I think about the "cougar/prey" phenomenon in this blessed country the more inclined I am to wave bye-bye to this interpretation. Do I hear dissent?

DEAR SUSAN: To respond to a recent blogger, once I had lost my virginity, I don't think I ever waited four months before having sex with someone I had started dating. And I can't think of many friends — gay or straight, male or female — who wouldn't say the same. Back in our 20s, we were all so wrapped up in one another's lives we could always tell when someone had a new love, and it was pretty obvious when someone had "crossed the line" into physical intimacy. (It was almost never four months or more.) Lots of those same people are in successful marriages that have lasted two decades now, so clearly, getting physical that "early" didn't affect their ability to form deep, intimate relationships. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: So much that deals with sexual mores — and sexual sophistication — is born of the times. With so many gay, transgender and straight choices, with so much information and so many personal experiences in full view, it's almost a free-for-all. Except that sexual activity of any kind — yes, any kind — is never free of emotion. Now all kinds of experiences are for the public to view and consider, creating a wide-open, anything-goes climate. The media shout everything and have become the erotica of our time. Today four months of celibacy when the libido is demanding action seems, to many people, a bit tame, prudish almost.

But I dare not be a media judge today, for situations and experiences and feelings are so varied in these anything-goes times, different from just 10 years ago. (Or five?) Let's agree that I am not the arbiter for human sexual activity; what you do with your body and whom you do it with are such personal issues. I can't crawl inside readers' heads and fine-tune their reactions. Nor do I wish to. What I can leave you with is this: Be sure — be very sure — you feel comfortable and relaxed with your partner, that this person sharing flesh (and much more) is truly FOR you, an ally, a friend, a well-wisher. In short, this person should be someone who respects you (and whom you respect) in your vertical life. Think. Then act.

DEAR READERS: Because Creators.com was redesigned, our blog is only a pleasant memory, but your feedback is more valuable than ever. So send the same type of comments to susan@single-file.com.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

Photo credit: Alexander Mueller