DEAR SUSAN: A recent reader wanted to ask the man she likes at church over to dinner, but that would be a pretty big commitment for him, seeing as he lives far away and a long drive would possibly involve bad weather and driving in the dark (risky for those over 50). And an hour of conversation face to face can intimidate the shy. Plus, a dinner invitation could lead to his wondering whether she expects him to have sex with her — and whether she'd be insulted if he refused. To avoid these complicated possibilities, I suggest she consider asking him to share a cup of coffee with her right after the church activities end. He'd already be there with her, and a cup of coffee would last only as long as they both want it to. No long commitment there, no possible complications that could drive him away. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Yes, yes! I like the way your mind works. You consider possibilities and tailor the solution accordingly. Not knowing your age, reader, I would hazard a guess at over 40. Why over 40? Because sound reasoning such as yours requires life experience — plenty of it. A person needs to have gone through trials and pains to fully comprehend the possibilities of the thinking. In some way, sadly, cleverness has gotten a bad name, bringing with it the idea of exploitation and deceit. And — (sigh) — of unkindness. As if cleverness is always to trick and exploit. It can be but itself is untainted. The truth is that cleverness is a mental road map whose twists and turns totally reflect the user's purpose. In most cases, the aim is benign and helpful. Kindness and cleverness make a powerful couple. But in order to be a useful tool, they need experiences. (The more — of the widest possible variety — the better.) Next time, look at your selfies more closely. Where the face radiates knowingness, there's an interesting person.

DEAR SUSAN: Good advice about getting involved in the world and doing interesting things; it makes us (temporarily) forget our aloneness. And being, as you say, "bolder, more assertive" also helps. But single, I am all alone when I lower my lamp. How say you know? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Well, you are writing in a forum titled "Single File." When I started what was to be my lifework, I used that title because it reflects my view that we are essentially single, on our own, even in our own small community of family and friends. You can choose to focus on that, magnifying your aloneness and taking it with you wherever you go, whatever you do, or you can put it on the back burner and go out to be part of the world, meeting people, developing yourself, experiencing all you can. Like much of life, it's a choice. Your choice. Face it or not, that's the way life is constructed. The Buddha advises us to rely on ourselves, not on someone else. It's what we do with that aloneness that shapes our destiny. We can choose to allow it to paralyze us — or, acknowledging it, move into the world and enter the parts that interest us. We have free will to make our choices and shape a life. Our own life.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

Photo credit: Boris Thaser