DEAR SUSAN: Your column is incredibly saturated with whining about niceness and all the evil people who don't appreciate it/them. Our society obviously is ruled by self-interest, so it's ironic that all these nice, lonely people are afraid to introduce themselves to someone else. Is meeting someone new really so bad? Are you nice people just too nice to introduce yourselves? In spite of it all, some nice people eventually find a non-creepy someone and manage not to regret it the next day. The reality is that none of us is so nice, as time always tells, regardless of our gender. If someone of the opposite sex says you're "nice," "like a sister/brother," "a good friend," he or she perceives you as boring and thus unattractive. Nice people help move furniture; attractive people make hearts flutter. The world isn't ideal, and this is one of the imperfections of human beings. If faking is the game you choose, you'll find more success by faking power or beauty instead of common niceness. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Trouble is, my pet, you're looking at things the wrong way. (I bet you've heard that before. Often.) That could be the reason your logic is illogical and your reasoning unreasonable. And maybe, just maybe, my take on niceness is too logical, too down-home, too clean-cut for you. But me being me, I'll give it a go. Niceness is innate, inborn, something not fakable — at least for very long. (After all, you can only agree to move furniture for so long.) You see, masks have an irritating way of slipping over the long run, and in time the observant observer sees what's been covered up. And I'm telling you it ain't pretty. Faking isn't the real single game. Not at all. Power, beauty and niceness are all ephemeral. The real stuff is durable; it stands up to life's zigzags, often growing stronger with each test.

The real problem with niceness, if I may weigh in with my own take on it, is that somewhere along the way, we were taught to be nice to everyone — and our young minds translated that into "boring" because it's the safe way to be unoffensive. And now when men are on the defensive (and they are), they are reverting to that safety zone of silence. Terrified of saying the wrong thing and offending, they will put themselves on automatic pilot and nod agreeably — to anything she says. Their opinions, interesting stories, news about their company — it all flies out of their mind.

I'm telling you, dear men, you can be opinionated, interesting and a good guy. In one man, that adds up to Wow!

DEAR SUSAN: Your column about husbands being demeaned in the media has me agreeing. On the subject, I'd like to say a few words and then give the other side of the issue. First of all, I cannot chuckle at the husband downgraded to infant status by his wife in a TV commercial. Two words are missing from relationships between the sexes: respect and admiration. I think the sexual revolution of the 1960s and '70s had such an impact on women that it turned everything around between the sexes. It was only meant to turn it slightly. Yes, women should be independent, self-sufficient and in control of their own bodies, but somewhere down the line in their eyes, men became the lesser gender. And that is wrong. In a good marriage, a woman can still look to a man to be a caretaker, a provider and a strong force that holds the marriage together.

On the other hand, I equally hate it when women are reduced to the role of nagging mommy type who ruins all the fun. Plenty of TV and print ads reduce women to that.

So there are thoughts from someone entering a new chapter of her life. It's OK to rely on each other for certain things, as long as there's balance and no one's sense of self is lost. And finally, look up to your man; admire and respect him. It certainly doesn't make you any less of a woman. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: For me, the key to a vibrant relationship is — you guessed it — respect. That one word can establish a calm and wholesome climate for partners to grow together yet keep their own space as individuals. That kind of relationship ensures that each person has air to breathe, sustenance to grow and plenty of lovingness to nurture individuality. There is no repression, no reason to resent each other, no need to stay silent when words must be uttered. Fear isn't part of a loving equation, because partners feel free to say what must be said. Always. Yes, there is ebb and flow according to the needs of the partners and the vagaries of life. But their togetherness can weather storms because the foundation of their togetherness is tough and tensile. Most "good" marriages leave space for the partners to be themselves. Some even have built into them intervals of time and distance. In second marriages, particularly, partners may need some space for other children and other obligations. This can result in spaces in their togetherness, and that is more than healthy. In fact, the space may add to the allure of the new marriage. The comings and goings are romantic and ensure that neither partner takes the other for granted. I hope you can assimilate that new concept into your marriage and hope that it lasts and lasts. Sounds as if it will.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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