It's complicated, this single life. On your own, shunning both dependency and isolation, after a while you adjust and learn to live in the present moment. Sleepless nights have taught you not to voyage into the future (what will be?) too often and not to dwell in the past (what might have been). The fancy footwork needed to balance that triangle takes conscious effort and gobs of discipline. Still, it's the only way to be certain your singleness is complete. In plain talk (before this concept gets tangled in its own verbiage), this is your great chance to build an interesting life for yourself.

Simply put, you must think in all the tenses — staying current while honoring both the lessons of the past and your dreams for what is to come. True, we must all find our balance on that tightrope, single or married, but it's imperative that unmarried people be more aware of their choices because in the final analysis, they alone are responsible for the quality of their lives — and the outcome of their lives. True, none of us has a clear road map leading to tomorrow; all we have going for us are our gray matter and our instincts. But what we're exploring here is the possibility that those two God-given gifts — combined with awareness of the past and of the present — can be more than adequate to shape a fruitful life. We all agree on the wisdom from past lessons (if we care to rehash them) and the fun of visualizing — with anticipation — what can be just over the hill.

But realistically, most of life's richness comes from being in the present moment. And oddly, that seemingly simple task takes the most effort. There are intrusive thoughts that intrude on our clarity, jumping from one idea to the next, in what Buddhism calls "monkey mind." Those flashes of thought have a way of dampening high spirits prematurely, injecting downbeat what-ifs before the gleeful moments have a chance of living out their promise. Putting them back in their rightful places takes effort, but it broadens enjoyment of what is and adds precious time to those peak moments that keep us going forward.

That high level of being takes a strong mind and an even stronger will. Will is that aspect of our psyche that sets priorities, signaling what is worth extra effort. It creates heroes from ordinary folk, enabling them to accomplish more than they ever dreamed, shifting their ordinary strength into adrenaline-fueled overdrive. And we shift into it many times in our lifetime, most often when someone else's needs cry out. Our will is the crown jewel of our humanity because it taps into our God nature.

But before we drift into the murky depths of metaphysics, come back with me to life in the present tense. The truth is it's all we have. (Try telling that to the bereaved, the lovelorn, the young.) Age and stage play key roles in the tenses we inhabit, which is the reason for my plea to my adored community, the unmarried.

Being in the moment should be your mantra, a vow to yourself to taste — no, to savor — each waking moment, to live fully. Yes, of course, honor the non-todays of your life, but always be in the present moment. It seems a simple assignment, but I assure you it's anything but. The first few stabs at this mental shift will be unsettling. Frustrating. Annoying, to be sure. But in the end, rewarding. So much so, in fact, that you might elect to put it into action with the very next person you meet. And if you find it working its magic, well, you might choose to bring it up in conversation with the person. Who knows? You two might discover the great fun of relating in all the tenses!

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

Photo credit: Nan Palmero