Dear John: How do you get over the fear of commitment? People have said that I'm afraid of commitment, but I think they're wrong. What is love, and is it a choice or does it just happen? My dating life is a mess and I need some advice. — New View Needed, in Modesto, Calif.

Dear New View: Falling in love is not something you really have control over, but you can make a concerted choice to stay in love. It's natural for us to think that falling in or out of love is permanent. In truth, this is not the case. To stay in a relationship is to constantly rededicate yourself to all the things that created your love in the first place. The fear we have of being in a long-term committed relationship stems from what we will be missing by not having the freedom to start another relationship. What we gain, however, is the trust and love we can only experience in a relationship that is nurtured over time.

Dear John: Throughout the 25 years of our marriage, my husband has enjoyed drinking. But recently, he has been drinking more than ever. He is a high-powered executive, kind and loving but has become more controlling. He doesn't want to talk about this change or anything for that matter. We have virtually no sex life and haven't for 10 years. Our four daughters have also been concerned about him and his lifestyle. I am planning on very lovingly and very strongly confronting him with this problem. Should I do this alone or have our daughters present so that they can explain how they feel as well? — Truth Time, in Yonkers, N.Y.

Dear Time: It's a good idea to confront him, but a bad idea to confront him while your daughters are present. Never involve your children, regardless of their ages, in personal problems with your spouse. It is your job — not theirs — to nurture their father and help him overcome his personal issues. By introducing the children into the mix, reaching a resolution will become more complex, and his resentment and resistance will increase. If you feel uncomfortable doing this alone, bring in outside professional assistance. Reach out to one of the many programs listed in your area. I'm certain an online search will provide you with the additional input and support you need.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by email by going to www.marsvenus.com. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.