There are co-workers who cause trouble. There are co-workers who are trouble. But the co-workers who are the most trouble can only be described as toxic.

"Toxic coworkers make it hard for you to do your job and are harmful to be around."

So says Siobhan Neela-Stock, the author of "5 Types of Toxic Coworkers and How to Deal with Them," a recent post in The Muse.

While creating a taxonomy of the swamp creatures who inhabit our workplaces is a remarkable achievement, limiting the number of toxic co-workers to five entirely misses the 2,356 types of toxic managers, as well as the 14,345 types of toxic HR professionals and the 2,365,674 types of IT people for whom toxicity is a basic job requirement.

Are Neela-Stock's strategies sufficient to inoculate you from the next toxic spill that contaminates your workspace? Let's find out.

No. 1: The Constant Complainer

"This type of coworker can be the most frustrating," says leadership consultant Robert H. Johnson Jr., "because their negative attitude might be infectious and impact how you feel about the workplace."

They might also, say I, be 100% correct.

The strategies for dealing with constant complainers range from agreement to appeasement. I recommend bombardment. "There's only one solution for the problems you bring up," you should advise a malcontent. "You must quit immediately. And don't let the door hit you on the way out."

A more moderate response is what career consultant Lea McLeod calls a "getaway phrase," like "Can't talk now. There's a phone call I have to jump on." Unfortunately, such a weak getaway phrase is not likely to stop a major complaint-fest.

"The phone system here never works right," you will hear in response. "The bosses listen in to every call. They spy on you so they can fire you. And don't expect a reference, because management wants you to suffer."

Like I say, 100% correct.

No. 2: The Gossiper

While it is acceptable to occasionally indulge in perfectly innocent gossip, like the rumor you spread about your manager embezzling money from the company's 401(k) plan to pay for their collection of Star Wars action figures, a toxic gossiper "talks about other people behind their backs on a regular basis."

The strategies for dealing with gossipy co-workers range from a wimpy, "Gee, that doesn't sound true," to a definitive declaration of unfaltering integrity, such as "I don't participate in gossip and you shouldn't either," after which you walk away in a glow of indignant righteousness.

By refusing to participate in gossip you can be assured that you will never again hear vicious rumors or poisonous speculation about your co-workers. That's because everyone will be gossiping about you.

No. 3: The Credit Stealer

It isn't often that you do something successful at work, which makes it even more annoying when someone else takes credit for it. You certainly don't want to throw a tantrum at the antics of the credit stealer, who is most likely your boss, but there are steps you can take.

Your best bet is to write up your complaint, have it dated and notarized, with a copy to HR, your attorney and the International Court of Justice in the Hague.

You may not win your case, but I understand the Court does serve excellent stroopwafels.

No. 4: The Microaggressor

Expect to feel macroaggravation from microaggressions. These are defined as "subtle and unconscious comments," like "calling a woman in the workplace 'sweetie.'"

The same level of annoyance can be generated by other completely innocent comments, like calling a co-worker "nitwit," "loser," "pipsqueak" or "jerk face."

You are advised to speak directly with the microaggressor, schooling them on the pain their unthinking comments can cause.

If they won't change, go directly to your manager, that "poo-poo head."

No. 5: The Bystander

It's disappointing, but, sometimes, even the victims of toxic behavior fail to recognize the effect of their toxicity on co-workers, especially highly sensitive co-workers, like you.

"Remind yourself that you matter," Neela-Stock writes. "You're at your job for you, and your own well-being comes first."

I agree 100%. That's why, if anyone is going to be toxic in your workplace, it should be you.

Maximize your microaggressions. Weaponize your complaints. Supercharge your gossip. Take your credit stealing to felony level. It's hard work, but when you're done, won't it be wonderful to sit back and watch your co-workers drowning in the toxic waste dump you have created, leaving you high and dry, free to relax and eat your stroopwafels?

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: StartupStockPhotos at Pixabay