Do you yearn for office life?

Do you miss co-workers whose only goal in life is to pester you from morning to night?

If so, you are part of the 73% of knowledge workers who "want to divide their week between home and office working after the pandemic."

So says Nigel Davies, the author of "5 Ways to Support Hybrid Working In The Future Workplace," a spiffy article I found on Forbes.

(Don't want to go hybrid? You're part of the 7% who want to go back to full-time office work, 100% of whom currently live with dyspeptic parrots. Let's say it together: "Polly want a Paxil?")

According to CEO Davies, the ideal home/office split for the work week turns out to be 64% home and 36% office. Unfortunately, this workplace version of the Golden Ratio is not easy to achieve. Employers don't understand what their employees want. Or, worse, they don't care. Either way, happy homebound workers, having spent a year learning how to successfully work at their kitchen tables or in their shower stalls, are now being dragooned back to the office by bosses with a Stone Age mentality.

Like David Solomon, CEO of Goldman Sachs, who "has called working from home an 'aberration' that will be 'corrected as soon as possible.'" I'm not exactly sure what means Solomon intends to employ to make this correction, but if attack dogs are involved, I'll race you back to the office.

For employers who are open to an open relationship with their employees, Davies has five ideas for making a hybrid relationship work. They don't all work, but I did make a few slight improvements.

No.1: "Help all workers to be more visible."

A common grievance of remote workers is that it is harder for them to get promotions "because they're not as visible to managers and leaders who do the promoting." Why this is still a problem, I do not know. This column has always recommended that before you join a Zoom meeting, you take off all your clothes. You may not get your ideas across, but trust me, you will be noticed.

No. 2: "Enable seamless project work."

Research shows that "88% of distributed workers struggle with inconsistent working practices and miscommunication." This would be a shocking statistic if we didn't know that long before COVID-19 sent us home, 100% of office-bound workers felt the exact same way.

No. 3: "Remote workers shouldn't feel second class."

This is a difficult problem. It's inevitable that a remote worker who can do their job while reclining on a heated La-Z-Boy rocker, bingeing on "Vanderpump Rules" and gorging on Chubby Hubby, far from the prying eyes of supervisors, would feel like second-class citizens. Really, there is only one solution: Remote employees, forced to work under these onerous conditions, must be paid more.

No. 4: "Beware of overcompensating."

Managers who can't see their employees tend to "overdo meetings and check-ins, especially in the early months of remote-first working when trust is being built."

Putting aside the fact that building trust with your manager is like building the Sears Tower with toothpicks, our author points out that 71% of workers report that "reducing the number of meetings and catch ups should be an area for improvement."

The solution?

Managers should immediately schedule a series of meetings on how to reduce meetings, especially meetings in which they discuss how to reduce meetings on how to reduce meetings.

I could go on, but I have a meeting.

No. 5: "Don't shut down team chatter."

"One of the most commonly cited drawbacks of remote work," Davies writes, "is the distance from good friends."

Working without close friends nearby can be stressful. You have to yell at yourself to turn down the volume when playing "God of War" during work hours, and, when finances get tight at the end of the month, you have no choice but for you to ask you to borrow a few bucks until payday.

One way employers can provide the sociability of an office setting for remote employees is with "dedicated conversation threads where people talk and share stories and photos." Since managers are encouraged to participate in these virtual coffee klatches, I recommend they demonstrate their human side by letting their direct reports watch them dance around their kitchens with their heads in a bucket.

It's all good fun and will be enjoyed by everyone, right up until the moment the Goldman Sachs attack dogs start scratching at your door.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@bgplanning.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Free-Photos at Pixabay