DR. WALLACE: I'm a 15-year-old boy and my parents got divorced about three and a half years ago. Since then, I've lived with my mother and my older sister.

My father got remarried and has already started a new family with his new wife. They have one child already, and I understand another one is on the way. What's strange is that my father recently has been telling me that he wants me to come live at his house. He tells me to think about it and not mention anything to my mother until I've made a decision.

I'm pretty uncomfortable about this whole idea, especially since my mother knows nothing about it. It's also strange since my father has only had moderate contact with me these past few years. But for some reason, he now wants me to move into his house if I agree to do so.

I'm actually pretty comfortable where I am right now, and I'm not sure I would want to be around little babies all the time, even though I've met my stepbrother and he's a nice little kid. It also makes me wonder if my father is maybe trying to get me to move into his house so I can be a babysitter for them once in a while. What do you think about all of this? — Not So Sure, via email

NOT SO SURE: I feel that anytime one parent tells a teenager to consider something or take some kind of action that is expressly done behind the back of the other parent, it usually presents a red flag or a warning sign.

In your case, I similarly feel it's unusual that your father would have limited contact with you for two years and then suddenly be quite interested in having you move into his home. Ultimately, this decision is to be made by your entire family, and you should have a say in the matter as well. But if you're comfortable where you are, there's no reason that you currently know of as to why you should make a change.

I recommend that you ask your father to tell your mother about his wishes directly. Explain to him that you feel uncomfortable doing anything behind your mother's back, just as you would also feel uncomfortable doing anything behind his. Let him know if your mother asked you to do something without telling your father, you would also be uncomfortable in exactly the same way.

I DON'T FEEL THIS IS FAIR

DR. WALLACE: I'm a girl who is one of four siblings in our family. I have one sister and two brothers. My brothers are kind of average students, but they're all really decent at sports, so that keeps them pretty busy after school these days.

My older sister is a fantastic student and gets almost all A grades in school, so much so that when she does come home with the occasional B grade it becomes the topic of discussion around our family dinner table.

I'm a decent student, but I am nowhere in the league of my older sister. I get mostly B grades and I participate well in all of my classes. I'm friendly, outgoing and I have a great relationship with each of my teachers, and I have many friends at school as well.

However, my parents often tell me to study harder so that I can get grades closer to the ones that my sister gets. They never seem to mention the academic pursuits of my brothers, since both of them are basically C students.

I don't feel it's fair that my parents expect both of us girls to have great academic grades, while they don't even worry about our brothers' grades. And beyond that, I feel I'm being singled out to get even higher grades, so that I'll have an academic record close to my older sister's. Do you feel any of this is fair? — Happy with Who I Am, via email

HAPPY WITH WHO I AM: Not only are you correct to feel you're being singled out but you are being subtly criticized instead of encouraged for the great achievements you regularly deliver. Each child in a family is a unique individual and should be treated as such. It is extremely unfair for parents to pressure one sibling against another's outcomes in an effort to seek specific results that match up. Sadly, I get many letters on this topic, and many parents fall into the trap and make this terrible mistake.

You are an excellent student, you're responsible, you communicate and interact well with everyone at your school. Therefore, you should be praised, not criticized. This is a cut-and-dried answer here. Your parents are out of line to pressure you to be more like your sister — especially while at the same time both of your brothers are apparently receiving "academic passes" within your home as well.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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