DR. WALLACE: A few months ago, my long-term boyfriend broke up with me. This felt to me like a shock that came out of nowhere, and I was completely blindsided by him saying this and being so self-assured and nonchalant about it as well.

I struggled badly with the breakup for a few months, but recently I finally felt like I was in a good place and doing better on my own. I felt like I had moved on and was ready for the next stage in my life. This was until he reached out to me, again out of the blue, just about a week ago!

He called me crying and apologizing for everything that he did to me and asked if I could give him another chance. Obviously, this came as a shock to me after not speaking to him for months, especially given the way he left me high and dry during the breakup and immediate aftermath.

I miss him a lot, but the lack of trust and hurt that the breakup caused me makes me feel unsure of what I want to do. What steps should I take to make a well-thought-out decision? — Unsure What to Do Next, via email

UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT: In your letter, one phrase jumped out at me that I thought was quite telling. It was "but the lack of trust and hurt he caused makes me feel unsure..." and I advise you to think quite carefully about that. These are your words, not mine, that identify "lack of trust" and "hurt."

It's interesting that he had no problem cutting you off from all communications for over two months, and then with no notice calls you crying for another chance. In my experience this likely indicates "red flag" behavior in a relationship situation. It's likely been driven by the desire to date another person on his end, and then after that dating experience did not work out for him for whatever reason, you then became his "fallback" plan — instead of your prior position as the primary focus of his interest. So, if you move ahead again here, you'd be entering the relationship far behind the status you previously held.

Your letter also mentions that you recently found yourself in a better place after struggling for a few months with the loss of that relationship. You've worked hard to reset your mentality toward looking toward your future life opportunities and now you'd be giving that up to reenter a previous relationship that honestly did not end well, through no fault on your end.

If you elect not to return to that former relationship, your pride and self-esteem will be boosted greatly. Therefore, I suggest that you think long and hard before you decide to return to your former relationship. At the very least, there will be huge trust issues to overcome, and there will be no guarantees that the same pattern of behavior he has already put you through won't arise again at some point in the future. Trust broken is mended with great difficulty, if at all.

Excellent, healthy relationships are built upon mutual respect, trust and congruent, consistent actions. Dropping a relationship partner like a hot potato with no communication for several months does not bode well in my book.

HE SAID HE WOULD QUIT, BUT HE HASN'T

DR. WALLACE: I met a guy and started dating him, but by the second week we were going out I could tell he was taking drugs! I challenged him on this, and he told me that he was depressed before he met me and that drove him to experiment with the drugs.

He went on to say that now that we are a couple, he felt much better about himself and would quit right away. I remember thinking in the back of my mind that he might use this against me in the future if things were to not work out between us. (Meaning that he would beg me not to break up with him if things got shaky, since it might drive him back to drugs.)

But the opposite has been true! By this I mean that even though he told me he would quit using drugs because he was happily in a relationship, he actually has not quit the drugs at all. I've given him a couple of warnings and my patience is starting to wear out at this point.

What can I do or say to him that may help him to stop doing drugs so that we can have a normal relationship? — Want Him to Quit, via email

WANT HIM TO QUIT: Anytime a person has a drug habit, it is usually quite difficult to quit, no matter the motivation involved. Your best bet might be to offer to go with him to a counselor or rehab facility to see if you can get him started with professional help.

Short of that, it will be difficult for you to say or do anything specific to get him to stop using. It may be best to offer him your help and support within the relationship if he's willing to step up and seek help, or only "from a distance" support as a friend if he does not seek help. Let him know that the second scenario would end your dating relationship, but that you'd be there to help him in the future as a friend if you are able to do so.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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