DR. WALLACE: My parents are outrageously strict. I'm 15 and treated like I'm a young child and watched like a hawk. Prisoners have more freedom than I do. Simply put, I am not permitted to do anything unless I'm with my parents. Their philosophy is that parents can't be too strict in this screwed up world we live in today. Please tell them that they are overreacting and causing their daughter to despise them. I really don't want to be mad at my parents but it's really, really hard not to be super frustrated. — Anonymous, via email
ANONYMOUS: Teenage children should not be kept in the sort of protective "prison" you describe. Part of good parenting is to know when to let go of the constant monitoring of a child a little at a time and begin trusting the child with gradually increasing freedoms and responsibilities. All children eventually grow up someday, and of those who were never allowed to make their own choices may exercise poor judgment when a lot freedom arrives all at once. Conversely, those young adults who learned personal responsibility gradually from a young age tend to do much better with freedom once on their own at college or in a new work situation following high school.
You and your parents need to talk. If you're on the brink of despising them, that's a signal, indicating they need to review the restrictive rules they've laid down for you. You should remain calm and positive towards your parents. Seek to communicate openly with them regarding this issue. I suggest you ask for very, very small bites of freedom at first. Simultaneously, respect their rules rigorously as you progress forward. Each week or two politely ask for reasonable small increments of additional freedom. Don't be surprised if at first some of your requests are not granted. But hang in there and perform very well when you do get a small taste of freedom — and be sure to thank your parents for their trust in you. Let them know it's a huge priority for you to earn and maintain their ongoing trust. Over time, your consistent, maturing behavior should ease their concerns gradually, and your family will likely find its comfortable stride in this area.
AN ULTIMATUM: ALCOHOL OR ME?
DR. WALLACE: I'm 19, and my boyfriend is 21. We've been dating for over a year, and I really care for him very much. He is very kind, he treats me great and we have good times together. But he does have one bothersome problem — he drinks too much.
When I first started dating him, he rarely drank. When he did, it seemed he was just trying to show off in front of his friends. But in the past year, his alcohol consumption has gotten to what I think is now a serious level. I believe he drinks (mostly beer) every day. Many times, he picks me up with alcohol on his breath. I used to ride with him when I knew he had been drinking — he'd say he only had one beer and everything was under control. Now, when I smell alcohol on his breath, I won't go out with him if he's driving. Sometimes, I drive now when we go out together because I worry about his ability to handle a vehicle when he drinks.
I used to think of him as my future husband, but I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think it would be very much fun being married to an alcoholic. The way he's going, he might be one someday. He says he doesn't drink that much and has things under control. I personally think his drinking habit is out of control. Even if he doesn't drink a lot in any one day, the fact that he drinks every day has me really worried. He's rarely "stone" drunk, but I've seen him "tipsy" quite a few times. I need your advice. Should I have him choose alcohol or me? Is an "ultimatum" a tool I could use with him effectively? — Worried, Gary, Indiana
WORRIED: Your boyfriend has a serious drinking problem. Unfortunately, he has already started down a path that will be quite hard for him to reverse quickly.
It's imperative that your boyfriend understands that he has a drinking problem and needs professional counseling right away. He has likely passed the point of being able to quit "cold turkey" based on an ultimatum.
You've got it right that it would be no fun to be married to an alcoholic. Stop seeing this guy socially until you are certain his drinking problem has been eliminated, if this ever occurs. Offer to assist and guide him to seek the help he needs, and if you're fortunate, he might even take you up on your offer. If he really cares deeply for you, he might begin to realize what things look like from your perspective. Even if you don't continue dating him, do all that you can to encourage him and those within his circle of family and friends to direct him toward professional help. If an ultimatum were to go unheeded, be an friend to him at an arm's length (if it's possible) rather than stomping away.
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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