DR. WALLACE: I'm 15, and my mom is always trying to tell me who I can have for my friends. This is making it difficult to make friends. She always thinks that my friends are rowdy and she is forbidding me to hang around with them.

She has given me a list of 10 girls who attend our church with whom she thinks I should be friends. I really have very little in common with most of them and would not want to be close friends with them.

I do not think parents should select friends for their children. My mom thinks it is the right thing to do. Do you agree with her? My mom has asked me to write to you for your input. — T.J., Hobart, Ind.

T.J.: Parents should know their children's friends, and it's not just their right but their duty to forbid contact if they think a friend or a group of friends is a bad influence. However, it is a mistake for Mom and Dad to select their children's friends or present them with a list of acceptable friends.

Such over-parenting almost always backfires. It denies their children freedom of choice, without which friendships have little meaning. Parents are usually far more successful when they seek to influence their children's behavior indirectly — by being good role models, practicing what they preach and living their values. Too many restrictions imply distrust in the teen, and this commonly causes the young person to rebel, sometimes deliberately flouting the parents' wishes.

TALK TO A COUNSELOR FIRST

DR. WALLACE: I've got a problem with a certain boy at school. I'd like to fight it out with him sometime during the lunch period to end the problem once and for all. The only problem is that fighting results in a three- to five-day suspension, and I don't want to get suspended.

I'm in the eighth grade and so is the boy I want to do battle with. I would rather not tell you what my problem is with this guy, but I will tell you that the problem bothers me very much. One good fight would end it. What should I do? I live alone with my mother. I don't have a father. — Nameless, Nashville, Tenn.

NAMELESS: As a former high school administrator, I can assure you that fighting on school campus grounds is a serious offense. Before considering fighting, I'd recommend that you take your problem to a counselor or administrator to see if a positive peaceful solution can be worked out to everyone's satisfaction.

But if you exhaust all peaceful ways to eliminate the problem that bothers you very much, and the problem is that you are being bullied by another student, I wouldn't have faulted you if you had defended yourself. Yes, I would have suspended you, but if your problem came to an end, it would have been worth it! I say this knowing that a lot of people will contact me saying that violence is never the answer. In the vast majority of situations they are correct, but not always when dealing with a bully.

THAT'S A HIGH PRICE TO PAY

DR. WALLACE: I'm writing a paper in my health education class on the evils of smoking cigarettes. I've found data on the long-term effects of smoking on the body, but I'd like to end my research by saying, "Each cigarette smoked shortens a person's life by (X amount of) years."

Is it possible that you can fill in the blank, and also tell me where you found the information? — Bob, Boston, Mass.

BOB: I checked with The American Cancer Society and was told that each cigarette smoked is estimated to reduce a life by five or more minutes. That's a high price to pay!

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. Email him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.