DR. WALLACE: I've been reading your column for quite some time and, for the most part, you give excellent responses filled with compassion and caring for teen problems. But there are times I can't believe that you wrote a particular column.
Please allow me to give you an example. You agreed with a young lady who didn't want her mother to constantly read her daughter's diary even though the girl hid it in various places in her bedroom. You said the mother should give her daughter privacy and not read her diary. That was terrible advice.
My daughter had been suspended from school for three weeks because she was caught carrying two marijuana cigarettes. She happened to drop her purse during lunch break and out popped the two marijuana cigarettes. After a long family discussion, my daughter told me that she and her boyfriend had been smoking pot for over two months. She promised never to smoke pot again.
Last week I found my daughter's diary, hidden in the bottom of her bedroom dresser, and I read it. She wrote, "Steve and I enjoyed another joint together. I have my mom convinced that I will never smoke pot again. She's easy to fool!"
Well, I'm no fool. I have sent my daughter out-of-state to live with her father who has remarried. He is very strict and will see do it that our daughter does not smoke pot again. I still believe that her boyfriend enticed her to smoke marijuana.
Dr. Wallace, if I hadn't read my daughter's diary, she would still be seeing her good for nothing boyfriend and still smoking a lot of pot and maybe even have started experimenting with something stronger. Please don't try to be a hero to teens by saying parents should not read a teen's personal diary. If parents discover useful information that way, that's good parenting. It's not easy to raise a drug-free child these days and parents should use every sneaky way they can to ensure that their kids are drug-free. — Sneaky Mother, Brooklyn, NY.
MOTHER: You misunderstood my answer. I said that teens need a degree of privacy and that parents should trust their children until that trust is broken. That means parents should be aware of what their children are doing without snooping.
But once the trust has been broken, wise parents keep a much closer watch on what their children are doing. Under those circumstances, "investigative research" (snooping) is permissible and even encouraged.
You did the right thing to read your daughter's diary because she already displayed harmful, deceitful behavior. She opened the door to your scrutiny herself and I believe you are now entitled to "trust, but verify" when it comes to raising your daughter.
BUZZ TO A SWEETER FLOWER
DR. WALLACE: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. Most of the time we had good times, but the bad times come when she ignores me and flirts with other guys. When I challenge her about this, she says that she needs to flirt because it strokes her ego and makes her feel "really" wanted.
Last week I finally had my fill of her ego and told her that if she continued her constant flirting with other guys, I was going to end the relationship. I was shocked when she told me that she was going to continue stroking her ego and if I didn't like it, I should buzz off. Now the "ball is in my court." I really like her a lot. What now? — Not amused, via email
NOT AMUSED: It's time to end the relationship with this girl as I fear things will not improve from here. Wish her well and then buzz over to a sweeter flower — be it a Rose, a Daisy, an Iris, a Lily or any suitable girl who will focus primarily on you and leave others alone. You'll be much happier in the long run!
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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