DR. WALLACE: You said in a recent column that once both parties are over 18, age isn't that big a deal. Well, it is a big deal. I was 20 when I married my husband, who was 45. When I was 30 and in the prime of my life, he was 55 and decided to retire from his job. I wanted to go out and have a little enjoyment in the evening and she wanted to stay home, watch television and drink a few beers.
When I was a young woman at age 39, I turned into a full-time nurse for my 64 year-old husband, who had suffered a stroke. I am now 49 and still a nurse taking care of my bedridden husband.
Don't get me wrong. I loved him when we got married and I promised to love him in sickness and in health. I kept that promise. But would I marry someone 25 years older than I had to do it all over again? No way! In fact, I wouldn't marry anybody more than five years older than I am. Marriage should be a partnership, not a study in geriatric care. — Nameless, DeKalb, Ill.
NAMELESS: Thanks for sharing your life's story. When there is a large age gap between spouses, the likelihood of the kind of problem you describe certainly increases, and your words may make other young women think twice about marrying someone a great deal older.
However, while your husband's health breakdown is unfortunate, such a calamity could happen in any marriage — at any age. That's why the "for better or for worse" part of the marriage vow has so much meaning.
'WE'LL SEE' REALLY MEANS 'NO'
DR. WALLACE: I made the mistake of saying "we'll see," and now I've got a sex fiend for a boyfriend. I'm 17 and my boyfriend turned 18 three weeks ago. We have been together for over eight months. A month before his birthday, I asked him what gift he wanted, and he said sex. Since he had never been aggressive and he knew I was a virgin, I was surprised at his request. When he said he wanted sex (from me) for his birthday, I said, "We'll see." Well, that was a mistake because he took "we'll see" to mean yes.
Now all our dates wind up in wrestling matches and yesterday he got upset and called me a liar for not giving him his "present."
I care for this guy, but I'm not going to give him his birthday wish. What should I do? I don't want to lose him. — Nameless, via email
NAMELESS: Your boyfriend must learn that no means no. The only way to say this effectively is to mean it — that is, to be willing to tell him to hit the road if he insists on turning your dates into wrestling matches.
If he truly cares for you, he will respect your wishes. There's no guarantee you won't lose him by remaining true to yourself, but if he only wants you for sex, it wouldn't be much of a loss for you.
Forget about saying "we'll see" when you really mean "no." Be bold in the moment next time and say "no" when you wish to convey "no." When I was a young boy and I asked my mother if I could do something or go somewhere and she replied, "We'll see," I almost always got what I asked for!
Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions from readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@thegreatestgift.com. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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