DR. WALLACE: I'm a mother of a 14-year-old daughter and I guess you will call me unwise and overprotective because I'm what you would call a snooper.

I love my daughter more than life and I want to know everything that takes place in her life. I snoop in her room, in her closets and in her dresser drawers. I read all of her notes, her diary and her computer files. I even listen in to some of her telephone conversations.

Parents who don't snoop because they trust little Kayla or Jordan are making a huge mistake. Many times I have followed my daughter just to make sure she is going where she says she is going. I also, without knocking, walk into her bedroom just to see what she might be doing. So far, she has been squeaky clean, and I intend for her to stay that way.

I know that you badmouth parent snoopers, but just because you think you know all about teens doesn't mean that you are right, does it? — Mother, Salt Lake City, Utah.

MOTHER: No parenting philosophy is perfect and all parents make mistakes, but I am far more comfortable erring on the side of trust than using your method, which is to keep your teen under almost prison-like scrutiny at all times. Even your term "squeaky clean" is law enforcement terminology. What has she done to deserve such treatment?

What you don't mention in your letter is the downside to all this surveillance, but I'd be surprised if there wasn't a huge resentment smoldering beneath the surface. And if there isn't, I'd be worried about your daughter's lack of self-esteem.

Instead of snooping, be observant. Know who your teen's friends are, where they go and what they do. You shouldn't have to snoop to know if your teen is drinking, smoking or doing drugs. You should take time to talk to your daughter about every aspect of her life — including sex. Being willing to listen when she approaches you for discussion will help you understand her concerns and will provide you the information you need to guide her to make wise decisions. Parents who encourage open communication in all areas are far less likely to have troubled teens.

All teens need some privacy. Reading diaries and personal mail, entering rooms without knocking and listening in on phone calls should be taboo. Parents who create an atmosphere of permanent mistrust in the home are begging their teen to act out in some way. "Why shouldn't I?" the teen is likely to ask herself. "Mom and Dad don't trust me anyway."

Wise parents provide teens with space to be a teen — gently, carefully, observantly letting go. Parents must guide their teens when necessary, but never fail to encourage their independence. Only in extreme situations, when teens have shattered trust are parents encouraged to limit privacy and to become more aware of their leisure time, especially when they are with their friends. Peer pressure, many times, can be more potent than parental influence.

P.S.: I doubt any adult on this planet knows "all" about teens, or ever will.

Dr. Robert Wallace welcomes questions rom readers. Although he is unable to reply to all of them individually, he will answer as many as possible in this column. E-mail him at rwallace@galesburg.net. To find out more about Dr. Robert Wallace and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Dean Hochman