Dear Family Coach: I recently asked my eight and five-year-old boys when they were going to get me a gift for the holidays, and they laughed dismissively. Like, "Gift? What gift?" My husband and I are worried we are raising selfish kids. How do I get my children to be more giving and thoughtful? — Greedy Kids' Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad: Thoughtfulness and the joy of giving are learned over time. Some children are generous without prompting. One child might give his special brownie away to the classmate who forgets his lunch without batting an eyelash. For other children, it doesn't come easily and they must be repeatedly encouraged to give. Your children are young and have plenty of time to learn how to be kindhearted.

That said, there are some things you can do now. Start by involving your children in gift buying for other family members. Give them each a small amount of money and head to the local store. Mom should take the kids to buy for Daddy, and Dad should shop with the boys for Mom. Seeing the joy when someone opens a gift you picked out is often enough to motivate children.

But don't do this just at holiday time. Get the kids to make cards for birthdays and special anniversaries. Send care packages to sick family members and bring food over to neighbors when they have a new baby. When you see a person asking for money outside the 7-Eleven, buy him/her a coffee and a cookie. You might also want to grab a copy of "The Giving Tree" as the first gift this season. Over time, your children will learn the joy of giving and all of these efforts will become common practice in your home.

Dear Family Coach: My son is 12 and is desperately trying to get me to agree to allow him to pierce his ears. I am hesitant to let him make this choice at his age. When it is appropriate to allow a child to alter his body? — Pierced

Dear Pierced: Adolescents are notorious for thinking in the moment. They struggle to imagine future circumstances when they might feel differently. You are wise to guard the reigns for a few years until he can be sure that he won't regret some permanent choices. However, I wonder if you would be this concerned about piercing your daughter's ears.

Ear piercing is probably at the bottom of the list on the risk scale. Generally, the holes from pierced ears either close once they're no longer utilized, or leave a mark the size of a baby gnat. In other words, he's not exactly getting a picture of George Washington tattooed across his neck. Ask your son why he wants an earring. Is it because all of his friends have one? That's probably not a good enough reason. But if he feels like he wants to express himself or that he would feel more confident in some way, well, I say sure. Let him do it.

That said, saying said yes to mere earrings does not preclude you from saying no to tattoos, breast augmentation and other more permanent changes. You can be lenient without overdoing it.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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