Dear Family Coach: My 12-year-old son received a birthday party invitation recently. He is not very friendly with this child, so he said he doesn't want to attend. The birthday boy isn't particularly popular, and I worry other kids will decline as well. Can I force my son to attend the party? — Doing The Right Thing

Dear Doing: At 12 a child is old enough to decide whether or not to attend a birthday party. You certainly shouldn't force him. If he truly doesn't want to go but attends anyway he may display a less-than-gracious attitude, and that might upset the birthday boy far more than his absence. However, that doesn't mean you can't discuss your thoughts with your son.

Middle school is a downright miserable time for many youngsters. Friendships seemingly shift daily. Moods run hot and cold. Some kids never truly fit in. Old friends move on. And it can be hard to make new friends. Your assessment may be spot on about the birthday boy. Oh, how painful it would be for no one to come to his party. Give your son an opportunity to be a good person, even if he isn't a best friend.

Building empathy is a task parents should take on just as they would their child's education. A child who displays empathy will grow to be an adult who is capable of thinking of others. This makes the world a better place, and it will make your son a better person. If your son still would rather not attend after you discuss your concerns you must respect his decision. It's best to not force that on him.

Dear Family Coach: It is only the start of my daughter's 8th grade year, and she is already showing signs of having a problem at school. Unfortunately, she won't talk about it. Should I go to the guidance counselor? — Unsure

Dear Unsure: My answer is a definite maybe. It all depends on the severity of the signs of distress. Parents should never wait to intervene when children may be severely depressed and at risk for hurting themselves or others. Some of the signs of depression include a dramatic decline in grades, a withdrawal from activities she once enjoyed and less desire to see friends. In any of those cases it would be appropriate to speak with the school social worker or guidance counselor, or a therapist outside the school. Even if your child won't talk to you, she might talk with the right counselor.

However, it's possible your daughter is having a struggle that she can handle on her own. If you've asked her about what you've noticed and she remained tight-lipped she probably doesn't want to discuss the issue. Respect her wishes on this. Pushing a guidance counselor probably won't open her up, and it may make her less likely to come to you. Let her know that you are available anytime she wants to talk. You can also mention that the school has counselors who might be able to support her. Give her some time, and keep a close eye on her.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.