Dear Family Coach: There is constant tattling in my home. My daughters tattle on each other, usually for the dumbest reasons. They are now 9 and 12 years old, and I'm ready to be done with the tattletales. What's the best way to approach this? — Snitches' Mom

Dear Mom: Your children want to have a leg up on each other in your eyes. Tattling accomplishes this by pointing out reasons you should intervene in a situation and admonish the other sibling. If one child rats out the other for stealing a cookie, chances are you are going to reprimand the thief. Mission accomplished. Your kids are vying for your approval, and unfortunately they are using each other as the sacrificial lamb.

My guess is that you are reinforcing the tattling without knowing it. If the tattle about the stolen cookie didn't cause you to intervene, they would learn that tattling isn't an effective way to rally support. Responding to one tattler only encourages the other child to use the same approach.

To change their behavior, start by taking a close look how you respond. What do you do when one child comes to tattle? Even if you don't admonish the other, you are probably still giving the tattler attention. It might be incredibly difficult not to react to an impropriety reported. But that is the only way to rid the family of tattling. When one child complains or gossips about the other, simply respond by saying, "No tattling." She will continue to try to get your attention and ask you to intervene, but don't get involved. Help your children learn that you will not choose sides or help them resolve petty arguments. Over time, they will see that tattling doesn't produce the desired outcome and will give it up. At the same time, they will learn to tolerate each other and compromise more to peacefully coexist without your constant intervention.

Dear Family Coach: My daughter persistently asks us if she can have hot lunch at school. We prefer to make lunch for her every day, since we can control what she eats. This is for nutrition and health reasons, not an allergy. Even though we have said no so many times, she continues to ask. Should we stick to our guns or let her buy lunch at school? — Healthy Dad

Dear Healthy: First, I'd figure out why she wants to buy lunch. Is she sick of the food you're making? Does she prefer hot food? Or are all her friends buying food, and she just wants to fit in? You should understand her desire first before deciding whether or not to let her buy hot lunch. You might be able to find a solution, such as buying a better thermos or changing up your food selection.

This doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing matter. Why not give her the occasional opportunity to buy hot lunch? I doubt any major harm has come to a child from eating a school taco every once in a while. Decide how often you'd give her the opportunity, and let her choose when she wants to take it.

One other possibility is to tie buying lunch to good behavior. Her desire for school lunch could be used to benefit both of you. If your daughter really wants hot lunch, she might be willing to clean her room or be nicer to her brother. Maybe it could motivate her to go on a family hike or a longer bike ride. Harness her motivation, and you will both win.

Dr. Catherine Pearlman, the founder of The Family Coach, LLC, advises parents on all matters of child rearing. To write to Dr. Pearlman, send her an email at questions@thefamilycoach.com. To find out more about Dr. Catherine Pearlman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.