It may be time to rewrite the wedding vows. Maybe they should say, "For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, whether we have hot monkey sex every night or no sex at all, till death us do part." People are getting married thinking they're going to get the better, the richer, the healthier and the monkey sex, and then they become very disappointed.
Case in point: Meryl and her boyfriend Allen.
Meryl remembers the day she bought twin beds, had them delivered to her home and gave the double bed she and her husband had been sleeping on to her son. She never said a word to her husband about the change, and he didn't say anything to her either. Things had gotten to the point in their sexless marriage where nothing really had to be said.
Meryl says: "I don't know why he didn't want sex. He never said, even when I would ask. In a nutshell, he wanted me to take care of him like a mother, not a wife. I don't know if he had anyone on the side and really don't care. He was a salesman and I never really knew where he was. He had a love-hate relationship with his mother and I think that may have been part of it.
"It got to the point that I couldn't stand to be around him anymore. He never really did anything to me, just ignored me. A sexless marriage only works if both husband and wife agree that the marriage remain sexless. I finally saw an attorney, went home and told him he had to leave and his part of the divorce was $750.00.
"I stayed too long for several reasons. This was my second marriage and I didn't want to be a failure again and I had lost my job and I had lost confidence in myself."
The universe, you may have noticed, has a really weird sense of humor. Meryl is now involved with Allen, who's currently in his own sexless marriage. He's her dentist.
"From the first time we met, we clicked," she says. "There was a lot of back and forth, give and take. There was a lot of energy flowing between us."
They went from being dentist and patient to being lovers.
She says: "We've had a wonderful time. He's fun and funny, caring and the only one who's ever called me beautiful. When we first got together, he didn't know all of the ways to make love to a woman. He's come a long way. He's told me more than once that I've taught him all he knows.
"His wife just isn't interested in sex. She should know there's help available. She could talk to her doctor or read books. I don't understand how you can ignore someone you love if you really love them. I can't imagine being married to someone and profess to love him and not make love with him.
"I can't see him ever leaving her. The situation is far from ideal, but it's a lot better than when I was married to my husband."
What compromises are you making to keep your relationship going? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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