Dear Cheryl: I married a man three years ago who has three children. They all lived with their mother. They're now 20, 17 and 14. The 20-year-old fathered a child with a girl who died. He supposedly loves this child, who will be 2 in February, but he doesn't work and isn't mature enough to take care of himself, let alone a baby. (The baby's grandmother and great-grandmother are caring for it.) The 17-year-old is about to give birth. The father is 10 years older and already has two children.

We're trying to find alternative living arrangements for the 14-year-old boy because his mother is horrible. She's the reason the other two became child producers. Neither of them pays any attention to their father or me when we try to give them advice.

My husband works offshore for two weeks, and then he's home for one. I own my own business and home. (He lives with me.) We get along fine and are happy together. Our only problem is my husband's obsession with trying to force himself into these kids' lives by being their buddy. I tell him that if they actually listen to us at some point, great, but in the meantime we should concentrate on us and our marriage. The last time he was home we had the 14-year-old with us the entire time.

I've become resentful of all the drama and how little time I have with him. When he's home, he's constantly on the phone trying to arrange a visit with his kids. They live two hours away round-trip.

I've told him many times how I feel about this. I'm afraid it's coming to the point where I don't give a damn anymore. I told him before we got married that I was not signing on to be their mother. — The Unmother

Dear The Unmother: You might not have signed on to be their mother, but he did sign on to be their father. You married a man with three kids, and I'm guessing none of them were ever National Honor Society members. They have problems, and if kids have problems, parents have problems.

Your husband is trying to be involved in his kids' lives, and he should be commended for it. But it seems like he doesn't have a clue how to do it. You both need help. He needs to learn how to be a parent. You need to learn what your role as stepmother should be. And plans need to be made for the 14-year-old before your husband becomes a grandfather again.

Don't give up yet. Find a family therapist who can help with these issues.

Dear Cheryl: My friend/date/lover and I would like your suggestions. We're a heterosexual couple in love, and we have been committed to each for three years.

We can't seem to find a comfortable and appropriate term for introducing each other or referring to each other in conversation. We're in our early 60s. "Boyfriend/girlfriend" seems so sixth grade. "Companion" sounds rather unromantic; "significant other" is too wordy; and "partner" seems businesslike. — Looking for a Label

Dear Looking for a Label: Make eye contact with the person you're talking to and say, "This is my friend Steve" with the emphasis on friend and a little pause before "Steve," and everyone but total idiots will get it.

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my new e-book, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."