We heard from Almost Perfect six months ago. He'd been married for 15 years. His loved his wife. They had two children.
"We agree on most issues, have a beautiful home, good careers and a sound future plan. We enjoy each other's company and laugh a lot. Most couples would envy our marriage.
"However, my wife, Carol, is affectionate with the children, but never gives me a hug or a peck on the cheek. Forget intimacy. That occurs a handful of times a year at most. I'm not totally blaming her; when it finally occurs, my prowess is often short-lived due to the excitement of it actually happening.
"When I bring this up, she acts as if giving me affection is less appealing than solving the Middle East conflict. When I specifically request intimacy, she rolls her eyes, and it's on to cooking dinner or bathing a child.
"It depresses me to think I could be dealing with this for the next 50-plus years."
I suggested that Almost Perfect tell his wife he loves her and is committed to their marriage but also terribly unhappy.
"Explain that you need affection — holding hands, sitting close, hugging, kissing — and sex," I advised. "Tell her you don't want to live the rest of your life as friendly roommates. You're willing to become a better lover, go to counseling, help with the housework, whatever it takes."
Almost Perfect is back with an update.
ALMOST PERFECT: "I can't say that things are better when it comes to affection, but I decided that what was really going on was my unhappiness with my own life. I was overweight, in a dead-end job, missing my extended family a thousand miles away and generally feeling miserable.
"So I've made some changes. I've taken a couple of college classes to brush up on my skills. That led to a promotion, which means less stress and less travel. I also lost 20 pounds by cutting out diet soft drinks and fast food. I'm so much happier. I still have another 35 pounds to lose, but for the first time in more than a decade, I feel in control of that part of my life.
"I'm back in the gym, getting my aggressions and aggravations out on the stepper and the punching bag. And I'm taking my kids to see my family for a couple of weeks.
"I did talk to my wife about affection and sex, and it was definitely better for a little while. She realized how unhappy I was, and she tried to make it better. But now we're back to where we were.
"I will say that she's been supportive of my lifestyle changes. It's not sex, but at least she's playing an active role in helping me succeed.
"I'm going to continue with my journey. If she doesn't come along, she'll be the one who loses. Your advice gave me the kick in the butt I needed to take control of my life and not worry about my wife."
Any woman who watches her husband lose 20 pounds, hit the gym and brush up on his skills and doesn't step up her own game is a fool. You may have been willing to settle for a sexless marriage while you were depressed, but with your newfound confidence and pride, are you really going to settle?
Readers, what do you think? Send your thoughts, along with your tales, questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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