There's More Than Just Male and Female, by Cheryl Lavin

Dear Cheryl: I'm a 45-year-old woman, married for 20 years with two children. I have a new woman friend, and I've fallen in love with her. I haven't told anyone, including her. I'm at a loss as to how to deal with my feelings. I've begun to think this is my own mid-life crisis and my feelings are a safe way to express the strong need for passion that's missing from my life.

I would never consider having an affair with a man. Why this feels like less of a betrayal because it's a woman is beyond me. All I know is that my feelings for her are very strong and if I knew for sure she felt the same about me, it would be a struggle not to become closer to her both emotionally and physically. — NOW WHAT?

Dear NOW WHAT: If this is a mid-life crisis, it's a doozy. You're dealing with a shift in your sexual orientation and the possibility of an affair. You need to talk to a therapist. You have a lot to sort out. Before you do something you might regret, figure out what's going on with a competent professional.

Dear Cheryl: I was married for 25 years to the person I thought I would grow old with. When we met, I was 19 and he was 25. I thought it was strange that I was his first serious relationship, but love is blind. He wanted to hurry and get married and have kids and we did.

I thought we were in love. We had four beautiful children. Then, after the last child was born, all the lovemaking ended. Granted, both of us had put on a few pounds, but I always tried to buy sexy nighties and make special dinners to spice things up. I worked, he worked, but I always made time for the two of us to be intimate. He always had an excuse.

Some days he would work till late at night to be sure I was asleep when he came home so he wouldn't have to deal with the issue. He didn't have a medical condition, we checked.

Well, after 25 years of marriage, he said he wanted a divorce. I know there were no other women because I asked him. He couldn't have afforded them with four kids if he wanted them. It's now been three years since the divorce. Our kids say he doesn't date.

It makes me wonder if he's gay. When he left, he started hanging out with the sister he couldn't stand who is gay. It makes me so upset to think that all those years, he was secretly gay. — ALONE

Dear ALONE: Maybe your ex-husband is gay, maybe he isn't. If he is, you're not the first wife who was fooled by a homosexual man trying to live a heterosexual life style. And you won't be the last. If he isn't, he may have other issues.

In any case, what's the difference? You've been divorced for three years. You have to stop dwelling on the past and start thinking about the future. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there again. You're too young to go through the rest of your life alone just because you misjudged one man.

Photo credit: David Prasad