Q: I have two girls who are 10 and 8, and a boy who is 5. My girls share a room, and my 8-year-old says that in the middle of the night, her father comes to get into bed with my 10-year-old, who's sleeping. The 10-year-old tells me that her dad is always talking about the size of her "boobies," and both girls have informed me of their dad taking the 10-year-old in his room and locking the door to talk. Their father — my ex-husband — has a new girlfriend, but he sends her home at bedtime. I have asked the courts for counseling, but they are of no help, and my ex-husband won't agree to it either. I've even had parents from the ball field asking what the deal is with my ex and eldest daughter. But she is very protective of her dad when I ask her questions. It's gotten to the point where it's ruining my relationship with my daughter. What can I do?

A: Every state has a social service hotline responsible for investigating possible sexual abuse. It is often difficult and sometimes impossible for a parent to encourage a child to report any kind of abuse by the other parent. An abusive parent can bribe or threaten the child, so he or she fears talking about the abuse, or is confused as to whether abuse is even taking place.

This becomes even more problematic if the abuse is happening after a divorce, because the child worries he or she will lose the love of either or both parents. Social service personnel are well-trained in encouraging abused children to open up and describe the abuse. Even if your daughter doesn't want to divulge what is happening now and is not getting along with you, someday she will appreciate the fact that you protected her when she needed it. If your ex-husband were actually abusing your daughter, of course he wouldn't choose to go to counseling with you.

If your children are telling you the truth, you have a serious responsibility to immediately report the apparent problem. Then, leave the investigation to the experts. If you can't find the correct social service number in your state, call the local police department, and it will provide it for you. Your child's school will also have the telephone number available, because schools and teachers are required by law to report suspected abuse.

For a free newsletter about parenting after divorce, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a note with your topic request to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.