Q: I am a big fan of your books! I want to ask you if you can provide some advice on how to tell my very sensitive 4-year-old son that his dad is not his biological father, who has only met him twice when he was an infant and was out of the picture since before his birth. My husband and I just had another baby, and we are all very close. However, I want to let my son know the truth early so it doesn't come across as a shock to him in the future.

Are there any creative ways to let him know through books or photos? I don't know what to say to my son if he asks me why his biological father wouldn't want to be in touch with him. He is extremely mature, articulate and curious for his age. We currently live in Bangkok.

A: I quite agree that your son should know that his biological father is someone different than his real dad, but I do think you could wait until he is about 8 years old. By then, he might know some other children who have been adopted, and you'll be able to use this term to describe his present dad. Also, since you've just added another child to the family, this adjustment is likely to be somewhat difficult, and there's no reason for him to have to deal with both situations at once.

You can explain that you are his birth mother, but that you and his real dad just weren't right for each other, and that his real dad never got the chance to know him. You can also tell him that his birth dad didn't feel ready to be a father, so you both agreed that you and his new dad could bring him up together and love him. Remind him how loved he is. Let him know that when he becomes an adult, if he wishes to meet his birth dad or find out more about him, it could be possible, although you can't entirely assure him of this.

You can also tell your son that there are many other children who have experiences like this, and if he ever has questions he wants to ask, he can feel free to do so. At this point, he may ask you questions or may just say, "OK, that's interesting," and go off to play.

I urge you not to act as though you feel sorry for him or are anxious because of this situation. If you do, he will feel more worried about it and bring the question up often to get sympathy and attention. If you are matter-of-fact about your discussion, he's likely to accept it. There is really nothing sad about his life. He is loved by a genuine family and has a father who wants him instead of one that didn't. You are all very fortunate and can celebrate your wonderful family. Your son only needs this information because someday, he may need to know about possible genetic health issues inherited from his biological dad and because you want him to trust you in an honest relationship. You are correct that if you were to wait until adolescence, he could feel very angry toward you for not sharing this information sooner.

For more information about parenting, you can read my books "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" (Great Potential Press, 2008) and "Raising Preschoolers" (Three Rivers Press, 1997). Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.