Q: We have a 5-year-old daughter and recently moved from Virginia to Hong Kong for our work. She's had a difficult adjustment. She's been angry, a bit aggressive and extremely stubborn. She put up a fight about brushing her teeth and had a total meltdown hearing the word "no." We tried to be firm but gentle, giving in sometimes, allowing her to have control. Once she started school, she settled into a comfortable routine and became her old, sweet, cheery self again. She loved her school and teachers, and made friends.

She's an only child and has always been a very strong-willed kid. She knows what she wants and wants it now! We've tried to help her see that everything can't revolve around her.

Things have ratcheted up again. She's been defiant and has temper tantrums over any "no." Yesterday, she wanted to go to the playground, so after she completed her homework, we went. She wanted to get on the swing one more time, but it was late, so I told her "no." She flared, cried and eventually screamed, "I want to swing!" I told her it was time to go and started walking away. I warned her about Santa and presents, and then reluctantly, she followed me, whining the whole way. I told her if she didn't pull herself together, we weren't going to Disneyland. She fussed the whole time while walking, so I repeated my previous threat. Upon arriving home, she stopped and refused to go any farther, saying, "You need to take me back to swing!" I replied, "I don't need to do anything but feed, clothe and give you a bed. And if you speak to me like that again, no Disney. This is your last chance." She stomped her foot and wouldn't move. I had no choice; I had to tell her Disney was out of the picture. I couldn't believe she would push me so far. It breaks my heart, but I just can't take her, and she just doesn't seem to get it.

It's hard on us to be tough with her. I feel terrible about our Disney trip. I never would have threatened that unless I thought it would have been a real incentive for her to control her temper. I don't want to take away our special Christmas gift to her, especially because she's having a hard time. She's been very sweet since last night, wishing she could change everything and behave better because she knows it makes me sad. She knows that I want to go to Disney, too. I'm never sure whether she's being sweet or manipulative. Dr. Rimm, I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to give her another chance to earn our special trip back, but would it be going back on my word? Would it help or hurt her?

A: The guide words for strong-willed children are "pick" and "stick." You do have to pick your battles and ignore the unimportant, but you also have to stick to what you say, because if a "no" becomes "yes" half the time, she will be motivated to push those "nos." In retrospect, if you had ignored her whining and tried to change the subject to something more positive, she may never have stubbornly decided to return. You must have felt frustrated and angry. Now that it has become such a big issue, I'd actually suggest postponing Disney until spring.

Both you and your daughter have probably learned powerful lessons. I'm hoping you've learned not to use consequences you don't want to enforce. Usually one day of taking away a privilege is sufficient to get your message across, but encouraging your daughter to come along because there was a game to play after dinner would have been better than any negative consequence. If you postpone Disney, your daughter will learn that you mean what you say, and her deep disappointment for something she really wanted won't be forgotten.

It's very easy to over-empower an only child. A 5-year-old needs very limited choices. Remind her she's lucky to have a mom, dad and teachers who know what's best for her. Tell her that as she gets older she'll be allowed to have more choices, but for now, wise adults can guide her to being happy.

For a free newsletter entitled "From Over-empowerment to Underachievement, Discipline for Little, Middle, and Big Kids" or my book "How to Parent so Children Will Learn," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.