Q: I am writing in the hope that you can help us get our daughter to sleep by herself. She is 3-and-a-half years old. Right now she needs someone to sleep with her in her bed. This has been going on since she was an infant. Attempts to get her to sleep alone result in screaming and crying, and our giving in and going to sleep with her.

A: While I think that co-sleeping with parents is acceptable on an occasional basis and that families can certainly cuddle together in the morning, I do believe that children should, and can, learn to sleep alone. Your daughter can easily learn to sleep independently if you and your husband are determined to enforce it.

When you put your daughter to bed tonight, explain that now that she's almost 4, she's a big girl and can sleep alone in her bed, and you'll be very proud of her. When she protests, ask her why she doesn't want to sleep alone. Most likely she'll say she's afraid of something, perhaps ghosts or "bad guys." You can reassure her that she is very safe, and she may keep her light on until she falls asleep, and you'll turn it off, except for a night light, after she's sleeping. You can read to her and/or say prayers before bedtime if you like, and then tuck her in with a hug and kiss.

Staying with the plan is the hard part. If your daughter comes out of her room, explain that you'll place a gate at her door so she knows she can't come out.

Your daughter may call you at first. If she has a concern, you can come and reassure her once or twice, but after that, explain that you won't be coming back until she's asleep. Give her a final kiss good night, and be prepared for the tears and possible tantrums, but don't respond to them. Eventually, she'll fall asleep. The first night will be the most difficult. The second night will be much easier and thereafter, she'll understand that she has no choice about where she sleeps and will actually feel quite comfortable and secure. Once the new habit is established, the entire problem will disappear, and then you can always welcome her to your bed for a single night if there's a frightening thunderstorm or a horrible nightmare.

Other possible alternative plans exist if your daughter has a younger or older sibling. Sometimes sleeping in the same room as a sibling allays fears for both children, and there's no harm done by having siblings in the same room. They often enjoy sharing a room, and it helps them cope with their fears until they mature enough to prefer their own room.

Finally, there is great potential in keeping a child in her room if her cat or dog sleeps in the room with her. She'll feel comforted by her loving pet or at least believe that her barking dog or meowing cat would frighten a stranger away.

For a free newsletter about raising preschoolers and/or teaching children to sleep in their own bed, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.