Q. I am in middle school. I'm writing an essay on perfectionism. It was interesting to see that perfectionism can cause underachievement. I've tried different sports, but I've always ended up quitting because I wasn't as good as other people. I took the underachievement quiz on your website (www.sylviarimm.com), and in Sections 1, 2, 3 and 5, I scored high, which showed that I had "fairly serious underachievement symptoms." My question is: Why is it bad to be a perfectionist, and how can we "cure" it if it is bad? Also, why do we become perfectionists? Thank you for writing these articles, because you have helped many people, including me.

A: Perfectionists set goals very high and avoid activities in which they don't believe they can be the best performer. That's undoubtedly why you quit your sports. For some kids it also happens in music, art and, yes, particularly in challenging schoolwork like mathematics. Perfectionists assume they are only good at things they can do easily and fault themselves as not very good at most other things. Even when they're very capable kids, they struggle building confidence in themselves, because they traditionally avoid hard work. They may procrastinate and do tasks at the last minute so they can justify to themselves that they could have done better if they had started earlier. Perfectionists also procrastinate because they worry about not being able to do a project well enough. As a result, they underachieve in school and in life.

Self-confidence is built in small steps, as young people work hard at something that's challenging. When they complete something they thought they weren't capable of, they take a step up the ladder of self-confidence and gradually realize their capability.

You need to recognize that no one is actually perfect and that there are surely plenty of people who are more capable than you, as well as others who aren't as capable. Then you can embark on a project and get involved in doing the best job you can do. When the work becomes difficult, don't personalize the challenge and say you're not capable. But in your mind, define the task as difficult. You may have to break the task down in parts, actually struggle or sometimes even ask for help, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. When you've worked at something and done the best you can with it, tell yourself that you've really tried your best and that you've learned something. Even if your grade is below what you expected, advise yourself that if you persevere, you will eventually learn how to do the task.

This isn't to say you have to carry through on everything you try. It's all right to give up sometimes, because no one can do everything anyway. If you had continued in a sport and envisioned yourself as being a supporter on the team instead of one of the best players, you probably would have had fun and gotten better at the sport. Perhaps you'd never have been the best player, but it's fun playing on a team, and the exercise would have been great for easing your anxiety. You can still try joining a recreational team for fun. Sports can help you learn to deal with perfectionism and competition.

Now that I've given you a solution to the problem, I'll need to tell you how perfectionism starts. When little kids are very smart and good at things, they receive a lot of praise from adults. Kids also observe that they're better at a given task than other peers and enjoy winning. Once they get in the habit of being best and hearing "super praise," they internalize those high goals as expectations. They believe that everyone expects them to be the best and are afraid to let other people or even themselves feel second-best or average.

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Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.