Q: My third-grader, our youngest, is a model student at school — good grades, polite and composed. I am very grateful for that. However, at home, she can go through phases of extreme temper, irritability and argumentation. Perhaps she feels "safe" to let her emotions out at home, but how can we help her manage her extremes? No one at school would believe this description of her!

A: Although some children can be a little irritable at home right after school — mostly because they're tired or hungry, the extremes your daughter is showing are more likely due to either sibling rivalry or a big differential in mom's and dad's parenting.

You mentioned your daughter is the youngest. She may feel like an excellent student at school but may be struggling to keep up with her sibling just ahead of her at home. While her older sister or brother seems to manage recognition for home accomplishment, she accidentally discovered that her tantrums and arguments pull her parents in. Quite unintentionally, that became a habit. You are probably trying to talk her through these incidents, and because there isn't a really good reason for her overreactions, your "comfort talks" are reinforcing the pattern. You can change this pattern fairly quickly by giving her strategies for coping with her irritabilities and tantrums at a time when she's calm.

Explain that now that she's in the third grade, she's old enough to learn some coping strategies. For example, if she feels irritable, she should ask herself if she's hungry, tired or feels frustrated that she can't do or get something. She can learn about herself and either have a healthy snack, take a little nap or talk things through calmly to make the irritability go away. If she's angry, she can punch her pillow, take a rest, read a book or listen to music to calm herself. Let her know she needs to do these things independently, and you'll be noticing her new maturity. Also, tell her that you won't be engaging with her at those times, so she should just let you know she's going to her room to settle down.

Your job will be to not let her reel you in to her arguing, irritation and temper. Stay far away from her, unless there is a good reason for her sadness and anger.

You will also need to plan some one-on-one activities with your daughter so she easily and cheerfully gets your full attention for some fun without her siblings. If you can manage that about once a week, it will help her to feel reassured and build her confidence in a positive relationship with you, instead of depending on her negative emotions to hold you close.

If her issues are related to your parenting, this kind of response at home usually takes place when her father is easier than her mother. Although the opposite is also possible. So if one parent tells her to cut out her temper and the other feels sorry for her, the unexpected anger will continue. Your daughter may have learned to get power over one of you with the unintended help of the other.

My book "How to Parent So Children Will Learn" can help you with either of these problems and also includes an anti-arguing routine to help you cope with your daughter's arguments. Chapter 2, "A United Front," shares the scenarios that typically happen when parents aren't supportive of each other.

If the problem continues, it's a good idea to have a psychologist help you puzzle this out. I have helped many families correct these issues rather quickly. The good news is that you can rule out a serious, underlying biological problem, since the issues show themselves only at home and not at school.

For free newsletters about "How to Parent So Children Will Learn," "Anti-Arguing," "United Front" and/or "Sibling Rivalry," send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.