Q: My son reacts very strongly and negatively to anything other than purely positive feedback. How can I provide constructive criticism and help him to accept it?

A: Children hardly ever enjoy criticism. Even adults are not very fond of it. Positive feedback is always more satisfying and comfortable. The best way to help your son is to assure him that he is not alone with not wanting to hear about bad news and mistakes. Also, tell him — even though you probably have already — that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes. Sometimes we simply learn from catching our own mistakes, but a major role parents and teachers have is teaching children correct and appropriate behaviors and providing them with information. If children were born knowing everything, they wouldn't need adults to raise them. To quote an article I wrote previously, "If children were meant to run our homes, God would have created them bigger."

There are positive ways you can help your son accept criticism from you. Here are some examples:

1) If while reviewing your son's homework paper you find a few mistakes, instead of telling him to "correct those two mistakes," you could say, "Wow, you got most of it correct, and you only need to revisit two examples and fix them."

2) If you're reviewing something your son has written, you could pencil in mistakes and suggestions lightly and give him the option of correcting them, changing them as you suggest or erasing your pencil marks. He is likely to change the obvious ones or deal with his teacher's consequences, but where there are suggestions he prefers not to take, allow him to express himself in his stories or reports. Do not ask to review it a second time. He also needs to learn to accept criticism from his teacher.

3) You could use a "sandwich" approach to criticism. First, say something you liked about what he accomplished. Second, carefully add your suggested improvements to him. And third, cover your sandwich with a compliment. You could explain that you are doing this as a way of guiding him while considering his sensitive emotions. As he builds confidence in himself, he is likely to accept the learning, ideas and criticism a little more easily and less defensively.

We often describe your son's problem as "perfectionism," and there are many children (and even adults) who struggle with accepting that they are not always right. Stubborn, defensive and controlling are adjectives often used when we describe adults who refuse to hear that they have made mistakes. Those labels are not so pleasant. Let's hope my suggestions will be helpful. If your son's perfectionism is very extreme, you might wish to take him to a few counseling sessions. Sometimes children will respond to constructive criticism better when it comes from someone other than their parents.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.