Q: We're the parents of a 15-year-old girl. My daughter and I have had some open and satisfying conversations about many things, including sexuality. She's had some boyfriends that have lasted less than a month and hasn't been sexually active. I generally know where she is and whom she's with.

Yesterday we found her "performing phone sex" via text message with a boy. This makes me question things I believed to be true. A preliminary search of her phone doesn't reveal any photos sent or any sexy conversations with others besides this boy.

Her father and I had a conversation with her last night. She indicated she doesn't have any loving feelings for the boy, but that the boy is very shy, and she's sure he won't show these texts to anyone. She found the terminology and descriptions of sex acts on a women's health site that was discussing how to spice up your sex life. She said to turn him on gave her a sense of power.

I advised that if she is invited into sex-via-text again, she should just say, "Leave me out of your fantasies." She replied that she didn't mind being part of boys' fantasies. We communicated to her that one of the dangers of this behavior is the social shaming that could come from it. We pointed out that this boy may share these in order to "boost his credibility" with his friends, and people may try to humiliate her. I also explained that women are more likely to be hurt in such interactions, because the female hormones produced during sexual activity trigger loving feelings.

We've taken her phone away, and when we give it back, we hope we can find one with no data, text or ability to send pictures. There are a few items in her wardrobe that we think should be taken as well. Are we overreacting on these things? As she regains our trust, do we allow her to purchase leggings and the crop top she wants, or do we just have a firm rule about the types of clothes she can buy and wear?

I want to believe her when she says she hasn't been sexually active or "sexted" with anyone else. Am I being foolish? How do we continue to parent our daughter, knowing that she is growing up and, at some point, will make decisions for herself that we may not approve of?

I hope you can advise me on how to help my daughter develop a healthy sexual identity and maintain a good relationship with her. She is very smart, artistic and loves history. She's well-liked by her teachers and is part of the welcome team for new students at her school. She's cheerful and loves life. I'm lucky to have her.

Should I find a counselor for her to address the issue of seeing nothing wrong with "hookup via text"?

A: Technology is a huge challenge for parents. You've done a lot of things right for your daughter. It's most important that you and her dad confronted her together and were absolutely united in your message. She needs to understand that sexuality causes very powerful and urgent feelings that can be used to convey love and build relationships or misused by people to destroy reputations and cause disease and loneliness. Her dress and her text messages convey to her peers what her values are. Sexy clothes and sexting will only attract boys who will use her for sex rather than loving or respecting her as a person. There's plenty on the Internet, TV and movie screens to mislead her toward assuming sex is fun with anyone and doesn't involve love. You should certainly tell her that you feel disappointed in her behaviors, want to trust her again and are hoping she'll find caring, mutual relations with boys. Let her know you'll be checking on her Internet use and will give her back her phone when you feel like she'll use it with care and not misuse it for sexual messages.

Encourage her to keep her grades up and stay busy with extracurricular school activities. Remind her to select her friends carefully. Assume she was only exploring and hasn't had other loose sexual experiences, but do check with other parents about parties she's attending. If all seems good again, you can skip the counseling unless she asks for it. If you're still feeling untrusting of her behavior, or if she seems sad and worried, do consider counseling. Her school counselor may be able to suggest an appropriate psychologist who works with families.

My research with middle-grade students made it clear that kids are "Growing Up Too Fast," the name of a book I wrote that can provide you with further insights. Parenting is more challenging than ever.

For a free newsletter about "Growing Up Too Fast" (in middle and/or high school), send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for each newsletter and a note with your topic to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.