Q: My daughter and her best friend are juniors in high school. Her best friend is now pregnant and I am very concerned about the amount of excitement and interest my daughter is expressing in her friend's pregnancy. The best friend is one of three girls currently pregnant at their high school, and from what my daughter tells me, there is no sense of shame about it. 

My daughter has a boyfriend, but they spend little time together outside of school and group social activities. My daughter and her pregnant friend truly have no idea how difficult being a teen parent will be. Right now, they just see the cute pictures in baby magazines and only concern themselves with the "happy planning" part of the pregnancy.

I worry that my daughter, who is quite impressionable, might think there is nothing wrong with eventually finding herself in the same situation as a teenager or might think it would be so fun to have a baby just like her best friend. How can I make my daughter understand that finding herself in a similar situation would be unacceptable in our household?

A: What a difficult dilemma for all! The young mother-to-be is no doubt feeling the mixed emotions of all expectant and new mothers — the excitement of having her own child and the fears associated with the beginning of an adult life. She may have shared those feelings with your daughter. A pregnant teenager receives both positive and negative attention for her too early expectations. 

From your daughter's outside view, she might indeed see pregnancy as an escape from difficult schoolwork and pressures she may feel about going to college. It can all look very easy and tempting. You have every reason for concern. It's also possible that you're jumping to some wrong conclusions and may be overly concerned. I suggest that before you give your daughter a warning or share your worries, you ask her how she feels about her friend's situation. Before sharing your own fears, if you listen to her interpretation and feelings about her friend, she could share with you that she thinks her friend is in a terrible position and that she's only trying to be supportive. If her answer shows that she wouldn't trade her friend's situation for anything, you can be more relaxed about it and continue to encourage her to be a kind and supportive friend.

On the other hand, if her description of her feelings defends her friend's pregnancy and seems to suggest that having a baby while still in high school might be a pretty good idea, you can point out some of the many disadvantages that come with being a very young mother. Talking about the fears and responsibilities you felt when you had your first child can help her to understand that while there are always some joys, there are also struggles. Those difficulties aren't easy even when you're older, but at least you are better prepared for handling them and you haven't missed out on your fun teenage years. You will need to be careful as you share your position that you don't make your conversation into a battle with your daughter or even suggest that she would intentionally become pregnant. Any discussion that appears to be a threat to her could be enough for her to decide to "show you she's in charge of her own life." That might just cause the result you fear — your own teenager who is pregnant. It is true that sometimes one teen pregnancy in a school initiates a small epidemic and that is not good for anyone.

Encouraging your daughter to become active in sports and other school extra-curricular activities is very important for helping her find direction and distraction. This is also a good time to for you and she to start visiting college campuses to help her dream about and plan for an interesting and exciting future.

Photo credit: Quinn Dombrowski