Q: My son is a sophomore in high school and we live in a relatively safe midwestern community. I was annoyed at him the other day for doing poorly in a few of his classes because I think he spends more time surfing the web and playing video games on his phone than he does focusing on those classes. My solution to this was to take away his smart phone until his grades improved, but then it occurred to me that if I did that, he would not be able to text message me if an emergency situation occurred at school.

The emergency situation that went through my mind, honestly, was that of an active shooter in his school building. The thought of that happening, combined with him not having his phone to communicate with me, made me sick to my stomach. I don't think anyone can live with the mindset anymore of "it won't happen here," because such awful events seem to be occurring in the least likely places these days. I did not share my fear with my son, and I never took away his phone. Will schools ever return to truly being a safe haven for children?

A: The increasing number of terrorist or strange attacks on innocent people is liberally covered by the media and is frightening to us all. While we are becoming alert to the need for many precautions, our schools remain a relatively safe place for children. Locked outside doors and other safety precautions are typically in place — as they should be. While we all hate this meaningless violence, compared to the dangers of driving on the road, the actual number of deaths in schools is tiny, and schools continue to be reasonably safe. That does not mean that the horrible attacks don't frighten us all, but your son is not likely to need his cell phone because of a dangerous situation at school. He is much more likely to need his phone to just stay in contact with you if he is held up unexpectedly on a school project of if he has been invited to go home with a friend. I agree that cell phones are truly important to alert parents about delays or even to discuss minor problems when he isn't at home.

Given all that, withholding cell phones from teens is probably not the best consequence for you to use. No doubt, you were frustrated and spoke before you thought it through. I usually suggest when parents are stressed by a child's misbehavior, that they promise the child a consequence, but let them know you are giving some thought to an appropriate one. At least when you decide on the consequence, you'll be prepared to follow through with it.

If your son misuses his phone when he should be doing homework, it's relatively easy to expect him to surrender his phone temporarily until his homework is done. Explain to him that you are taking his phone to help him concentrate, and not as a consequence. This is a good habit for him to get used to. Even adults try to build in the "work before play" concept. Perhaps if you explained this approach to him, he wouldn't feel so much like you were punishing him, but instead as if you are teaching him some self-discipline that can assist him well for the rest of his life.

For free newsletters or articles entitled Growing Up Too Fast, Learning Disabilities, Bright Kids, Poor Grades: And What You Can Do About It, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and/or Teaching Good Study Habits, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the address below. Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or srimm@sylviarimm.com. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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