Philip Zimbardo, acknowledged expert on shyness, says that shyness strikes both genders almost equally. The significant difference between them? Society's rewards. Men are branded as wimps and often lose out in the competition for love. And shy women? Ah, they're a totally different story, because the shy woman is reticent, a quality considered ladylike and therefore winning society's nod of approval. Women have always been permitted — no, encouraged — to be reticent. Yes, even in today's world of feminism, the shy female still wins the popular vote. And although men created this double standard — certain that the shy woman would make a suitable wife — both sexes find themselves caught in the shyness bind.

Now the kicker. As women freed themselves from underdog status and moved into the role of initiator, they needed a hefty dose of assertiveness, an underdeveloped trait in the female. We told ourselves, "Hey, we're unshackling ourselves from other restraints. Why not this one, too?" So we set about making ourselves heard. In the work world, our assertiveness is rewarded. But outside the office, it's another story — and probably a familiar one.

At the slightest hint of our forthrightness, we interrogate ourselves. "Am I coming on too strong? Too fast? Am I the kind of woman he'd like to marry? What will he think of me if I call him? Or ask him to dance? Or act aggressively in bed? Am I acting unladylike? Will he reject me for it? Am I too assertive for my own good?" Self-interrogated by questions only he can answer, you hold back, paralyzed, afraid to make even the smallest move. You find yourself reverting to the old shy ways, an oasis of comfort and safety — because you feel certain he'll approve of a shy little buttercup for a companion.

As Zimbardo says, shyness comes from being too I-centered (as you may have noticed from those questions), and female insecurity adds yet another reason for us to concentrate on ourselves in social situations. The harder you try to stop thinking about yourself and your new assertiveness the more self-conscious you become.

There are pattern-breaking strategies that work, but we're out of paper (and time). Some practical shyness fighters next time. Promise. In the meantime, please send questions and comments to me by emailing them to susan@single-file.com. Can't wait to read them.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.