Of all the aftershocks of divorce — pre- or post-marital — bitterness is the most destructive because it's sneaky. As it clouds perception, it silently fulfills its dark prophecy. People keep their distance. Potential friends and lovers instinctively avoid the embittered, which only affirms their negative view of the world. So the vicious circle of cynicism completes itself. Ah, but when you are quite content with yourself and your life, you can view life's ups and downs (part of everyone's life) with a cooler equanimity, placing blame where deserved and assuming your role in it. Bitter or optimistic, the choice is yours. And believe me; it is a choice. Because there are ways to stay hopeful when life tosses you a zinger.

Women, ask yourselves whether you blame men, fate, society or your parents for your lacks. Write the ways in which anyone is hurting your chances for happiness and the ways in which you could overcome them. Seeing as you are the only person you can change, this may be a good time to heal the woman in the mirror and, quite possibly, the moment to remind yourself of the power you have over your life, the inner strength that can reshape your destiny.

Think in the present moment. (I agree — not easily done.) Do your best not to taint today with yesterday's hurts. Make life so busy that there's no time to relive past disappointments and hurts. Challenging but possible. Because when you think of it, today is all we have. Yesterday is past and gone. As for tomorrow, well, it's out of sight. Yes, its potential is vast, but it must start with today's dream. The only viable choice? To mine today and see what it yields.

Admit your role in mistakes, and work on changing your patterns. If yours was a poor choice of friend or lover, it's time to analyze the reason for the choice and firmly resolve to do better next time.

If you detect in yourself a pattern of wrong choices, consider talking it out with a therapist or at your next network meeting. (Ahem.) Group therapy, anyone?

Pinpoint the occasions when you're most likely to put the blame on someone other than yourself. Those are the times you feel someone else is in control. Bitterness cannot coexist with positive action. Beware the might-have-beens; like bitterness, they're a sign of impotence — and who needs it?! No one who takes charge of her life has thought patterns that dwell on yesterday. The past is only a learning tool to better today and tomorrow. Life isn't a swindler; it doesn't cheat us. We cheat ourselves when we shackle ourselves to bitterness and regrets. You deserve to choose.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.