DEAR SUSAN: I've been dating a wonderful woman for seven months. We have terrific conversation, intimacy and friendship and are considering marriage. The problem is her mother. Although she's supportive of our relationship, she makes my girlfriend feel guilty for not spending as much time with her as before we met.

Her mom is about to marry and move away but plans on returning to live with her daughter a few months a year. I love my girlfriend but feel very uncomfortable about the guilt her mother puts on her. — Greg G., Santa Rosa, California

DEAR GREG: Your beloved's "smother" feels OK about marrying and moving away, and her daughter needs to see that as a good example to follow. She may want to see a counselor to sort out her feelings — perhaps the two of you could go together once or twice — but the bold action must come from her. Your loving strength will help her move onto center stage and make decisions about her own life, but in the end, it will be the words and her actions that break the unhealthy bond her mother has fostered. Your wonderful woman must find herself as an individual, separate and apart from her mother, before she can bring to your union the wholeness successful marriage demands. She needs to nurture within herself the gumption to stand up to her mother and define her own needs without guilt. With you standing by and encouraging her, she'll have plenty of support and encouragement. If she doesn't find herself, this good woman may transfer her dependency onto you and start to see you as a parent figure. The first step away from that scenario is telling your love how uncomfortable her mother's guilt trips make you. Start the conversation in a quiet, private setting where both of you can speak freely — and don't let tears or silence bring it to an end. Let me know developments.

DEAR SUSAN: What do you think of going to discussion groups instead of singles dances and bars? I think they're a good idea. When the group breaks up into smaller groups, you can really get to know the people in your smaller group. I am at an age where guys aren't exactly breaking down the doors (but I do look good for my age), but my communication skills help me succeed every time. Have you had experience with this type of group? — Chrissie D., Peoria, Indiana

DEAR CHRISSIE: You bet I do. One creepy night, dark and rain-swept, my sensitive son suggested I take myself out of the house, somewhere that could take me out of my mood that was as dark as the night. I had once done an article on a single-again group that met in a neighborhood church, and that became my destination. There I met a man who was to be a major influence in my life. After hearing his view of sex: "It's lovemaking, so I have to be emotionally involved," I made a bold move to meet him. And the rest is history. So, Chrissie, yes, yes, a thousand times I say yes — go where your communication skills are showcased. At any age, good talk charms its listeners. Good move.

DEAR SUSAN: Can you suggest where I can get information on assertiveness training? I'm asking because I find it very difficult to approach women on a first meeting basis. And so, I'm 39 without a "friend who kisses well," as you say. I know I could control my destiny to find happiness if I could just make that first step. Right now, I can crawl, but I want to walk — and run. I'm divorced, have a good son, and have more than my fair share of friends, male and female. — Norm O., Long Island, New York

DEAR NORM: Making the approach is by far the most terrifying part of being single. (To a man, the male of the species will second that emotion.) And since we women remain skittish about putting ourselves in that gut-wrenching position, for the most part it's the man who must take those first few steps. Knowing that, I'm here to talk you out of assertiveness training. Believe me, repetition is the best basic training; putting yourself time after time in that scary position can toughen your hide to the slings and arrows of outrageous females who wouldn't switch places with you for an Oscar. And there are settings that will reduce the discomfort of first-time meetings — i.e., groups of people who come together to pursue a common interest. An even playing field like an interest-centered group makes meeting women so much easier; good talk about a mutual interest brings out enthusiasm and excitement, the best of you comes through. That's all you need, Norm: a low-pressure path to compatible people. And chances are the women who share your interest will have more than that in common with you... tastes, values, outlook on life. A friendly environment does wonders for assertiveness. Trust me.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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