DEAR SUSAN: I'm a young woman in my early 50s pursuing a career as a performer and vocalist. Eight years ago, I began to perform with a group and fell in love with one of its members. This is a fulfilling relationship because we both have so much in common. Neither of us has ever married. We both have day jobs in similar industries.

Although we are a couple, there are some uncertainties that weigh heavily on my head because I need to plan for my future. For example, he may never want to marry me, and I myself am unsure about marriage. But in my heart's heart, I do want to be married to someone who loves and cares for me, even though I'm not in a financial position to move in with him. He owns; I rent. (He apparently makes less than I do — though we never talk about these things.)

And there are other worries. Out in public, women throw themselves at him, even when I'm there, because he's very charming and well-built. And he stares back at them in a way that makes me insecure. Also, he says he doesn't like to show his affection for me in public, and this leads me to think he's looking for something else, not me.

When I confront him, he denies everything and throws the responsibility back in my lap, and I begin to doubt myself. I've suggested a therapist for us, but he's making no effort to support the idea.

How can I support myself better? I do want to be independent, so I run for the hills in a close relationship (because I don't want to drown in his needs). I don't feel dependent, but I'd like the respect that should happen in our relationship. And I don't think the answer is just to get married.

DEAR READER: You're a young woman — and a very smart cookie, wise enough to be dissatisfied with this deficient relationship. Several times, you've been on the brink of a profound truth but skittishly backed away — for lack of support. Well, I'm volunteering for the job — at least until you find the right therapist. But promise me you'll do a solo number in that room of truth! (I suggest you speak to several, settling on one only when you're in a comfort zone.) The man in your life isn't interested; his needs are met. But your life could be so much better. You could have more self-confidence, clarity about what you want (or don't) from your present and your future, and more self-confidence (repeated for emphasis). This is your star turn. Find true security — and shine.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.