DEAR SUSAN: I'm 63, divorced after 35 years and want to stay single. I enjoy dating, going to concerts, fine eateries and good conversation. But every woman I've ever dated wanted to get serious after the second or third date. Is this typical or am I selfish to want affection without commitment? (By the way, I don't lie, make promises or use the word "love.") — Clay C., Long Island, New York

DEAR CLAY: You've got a serious problem. (No pun intended.) Very few women share affection without wanting a man's assurance that the relationship has a future. (And you probably don't want the ones who live only for the moment.) I suggest you begin dating women in their 40s, a group more focused on career and children than marriage. And — since you need to think long term — increase your social throughput. Meet lots of women and keep doing so until you come across your counterpart. She's out there, a damsel in no distress about marriage.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 26, attractive and well-educated. I've been with the same man for three years. Before, I'd dated arrogant men. This man was a friend I started dating on the rebound. I've stayed with him because he's loyal and treats me well. However, I feel intellectually superior and wish he had more to offer in the way of interesting conversation. Help! — Dodie A., Indianapolis, Indiana

DEAR DODIE: The relationship that morphs from friendship to love is the best kind. The very best! This one has the basics, but you need more (so does he) so there's work to do; and you and your man are the ones to do it. Together, talk about joining a cooking class or a golf class or a film class or ...you get the idea. The point is, you two need more time together DOING things, not sitting across the table forcing conversation. The more you share with him, the more he'll be stimulated — and stimulating. Start the ball rolling with some casual talk about some joint activities he's up for. (His body language will tell you which ones interest him; build on them.) Then move from there to some suggestions of your own, like pet projects in the community/at church that he might want to be part of. With you, of course. Imagine the dialogue between the two of you when he's involved in the parts of life you feel strongly about. Between partners who love/like each other, there are no limits to the interesting parts of life you can share. Good men nowadays are hard to find; you've found one with gem qualities. Smoothing the rough edges could become a lifetime project. (Hint.)

RESOURCES FOR THE DISABLED SINGLE PERSON: My hand is holding a letter from a police officer, 24. He was injured in the line of duty and is paralyzed. When he asks someone for a date, girls always say they're "busy," and that's got him wondering if anyone will ever treat him as an equal. He writes, "I'm not fragile, just disabled. I'm independent, live alone and work full time — including driving to work." If you or someone you know might benefit from my Resources for the Disabled Single Person, ask them to write to me c/o this newspaper. There is no charge for it. But do remember to send along a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Those resources could make a difference in someone's life.

DEAR SUSAN: I want to marry my girlfriend, but she doesn't want to commit. We broke up once about this, are back together for a year now and there are signs we're on the verge of splitting again. For now, I've no need to marry; I'm not saying that she better marry me or I'll find someone else. I don't want to marry anyone but her!

Sex and money aren't issues between us. Anything else to consider? — Brad R., St. Joseph, Missouri

DEAR BRAD: Yes, there is a (not-so-small) consideration to take into account... some reason that looms large in your woman's reasoning. SHE MAY NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. Not to you, not now, not ever. She might at some point think about another kind of living arrangement, but for now she evidently likes the status quo. For her, things are fine and dandy as they are, and she sees no reason to tweak the arrangement. Period. What is there about NO you don't understand?

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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