Dear Readers: Whoa. What a storm erupted over an engagement ring! Even the most loyal fans took sharp exception with my reply to Jessica J.'s dilemma centered on her live-in partner who was too busy being a workaholic to take time to buy THE RING. I confess, I did come down hard on her. Want to know why? Because as I see it, a symbol is a symbol is a symbol. ... Her fiance lives with her, so it's assumed they trust and love each other. And making a "thing" about a ring seems to this advice columnist a bit childish and frivolous. After all, they're planning their lives together. She will be his wife, mother of his children. They're already living as man and wife! Wailing about a symbol of his commitment at this stage — when he's working so hard to build their future — seems to me totally irrelevant and childish. Right? Dead wrong, according to the values of Readerland. Most letters that poured in were indignant, quick to remind yours truly about the hugely symbolic importance of the engagement ring! Not only that, many letters added, the situation makes them feel this fellow would probably turn out to be a bad risk in the long run!

For the curious, a sampling of the mail:

—"I think you missed the mark with your response to Jessica J. when you advised her to 'grow up' and appreciate her live-in boyfriend's career efforts and not demand a genuine article of commitment. His commitment. It's his responsibility to take time out from his busy career to buy her an engagement ring. To me it sounds like he told her they're 'unofficially engaged' just to shut her up and keep the same living arrangement. If she does eventually get a ring and a definite wedding date (which is doubtful), Jessica will have to realize she's marrying a workaholic who ranks his work over her. But in my opinion, it's more than time for her to demand a ring and an official wedding date or tell him to get out. She's not to waste any more of her 30s on someone unable to make a true commitment."

—"Oh, Susan, were you wrong about the ring! Jessica, honey, take him shopping, and get the ring. It isn't official these days unless you have the ring. Sorry, Susan, but I totally disagree with you." (Mine came with bended knee.)"

—"I've been reading your column faithfully for years. But I was stunned at your chilly response to Jessica, who said that after being engaged since last Thanksgiving, her fiance still hadn't set aside time to buy an engagement ring. Your harsh criticism of her wanting one was extremely off base. (Please provide statistics proving the desire for an engagement ring after age 30 is unreasonable.) It's not just a 'bauble'; it's a symbol of commitment, and most women want one. I wanted one at age 22 and feel the same way at 40-plus. Informal polls of neighbors, classmates, colleagues and relatives all said they'd want a ring or some token of commitment. Research shows that even successful businesswomen who became engaged after 30 did receive engagement rings. This is a big issue and needs resolution. If he ignores her wishes now, he'll only get worse in time."

To be continued ... definitely!

Write for your free signed copy of Susan's "Declaration of Undependence" on parchment. Send your request to: Susan Deitz, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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