Ask yourself when love comes to a halt: What can I do to nourish myself, to fill the emptiness? Has my life changed so totally that I need to figure things out again? Or is there something I postponed for the sake of being coupled? And is this the perfect time to get it done, with no excuses accepted? Am I a little wiser for the next romantic go-round? Did I expect too much from the person — and from myself? Did I expect too much from love itself? Oh, my friend, only you know the answer to that.
Next time you're at a playground, stop and take a look — a close look — at the children playing. The way I see it, they're the model of true single fulfillment — living in the present moment, totally engrossed. Remember them as you work toward whatever it is you want from your life, because they are the ideal, not a bit self-conscious that they're solo. They are who they are, and they came to be part of what's going on. It seems to me that's the only commonality needed. Think about it.
The longer you live single the more removed you are from the urgency of making and keeping commitments — and, admit it, the more difficult it gets to be. Without a live-in significant other to keep you to your word, slip-sliding away from promises gets to be easier and easier. So what to do about it? Here's what worked for me: Arrange with a friend to walk together on a regular schedule and to pay a fine if you show up late or not at all. (Make the lateness fine painful, and double the amount if you're a no-show!) After all, your commitment muscle should be as fit as the rest of you.
Love's finale, even when it comes without legal eagles, can be excruciating. I'm no stranger to "premarital divorce" and its pain. With the ending comes resolve never again to leave one's heart vulnerable, but with a someone new and wonderful comes that surge of optimism and joy that cannot — and must not — be reasoned away. Positive thinking should triumph over fear when the time between loves has been constructively used for honest soul-searching and reflection.
Learn to trust your instincts. Hear them out carefully; they are always on your side. Consult them when you need an answer to one of life's problems. With a big or small dilemma, these internal antennae are always attuned to your best interests. Always. There are times when you may not want to hear their message, when your libido is on high and threatening to disconnect, but you must lower the volume and listen to your silent self. Tune in. Sit still. And receive the message from your best friends. Before deciding anything weightier than what's for dinner tonight, confer with yourself.
DEAR READERS: We've uncovered a treasure-trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, ready to read. Send $15 and your address to: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. I'll send you a signed copy.
Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.
View Comments