Seeing as sex is a clear barometer of relatedness between adults (i.e., the degree of affection between them), I propose a look at the positive side of this most important gauge. For a change, let's focus on the upside of bedroom behavior. There is the possibility — underappreciated and rarely proposed — of sex play's being an expression of appreciation. After all, the opposite is true (and more often discussed in sex therapists' offices); anger and hostility find their way into the bedroom, expressed by withholding sexual participation. So — for a change — let's imagine a harmonious bedding that includes thankfulness for parts of the relationship expressed elsewhere. For some reason, the possibility gets precious little ink, but this is one of those rare media moments of examination — and, yes, encouragement.

Ask any sex therapist about the bed as an arena for deeper feelings between partners and odds are you'll come full circle to the premise here raised: gratitude. (When I mentioned it to a television host, she hooted and hollered. It was a new premise to her, and she glommed onto it with high glee.) In bed, stripped of any shred of pretense (aka clothing), bared in body and focused mentally on only one thing, it makes exquisite good sense to see sex play as nonverbal expression of thankfulness. Bed is the place where we willingly make ourselves vulnerable; no fudging is possible between sheets. Gentleness, tenderness and soft caresses are inspired by the calm safety of the bedroom. That one room can contain a couple's whole universe of emotions. Too often lost in the busyness of daily living, the smallest movement of genuine caring takes center stage in the room given to the most private communication. There, mutual consent leads to sweet expression of love. Nothing is off-limits. Spoken and unspoken, in the subtle ways lovers know, is the opportunity for sweet payback. With every action in bed — every adjustment of the flesh for mutual comfort and pleasure — opportunity to express one's feelings is maximized.

What is pleasure for the one brings joy to the other. Mindsets are fused, intent only on dallying in the most pleasurable languor to sip pure delight from the other's ecstasy. No roles are rigid, no spontaneity curbed. Lovemaking occurs in an aura of total inhibition; no judgment is passed, silent or spoken. When pleasure isn't shared, adjustments are made. Bed is the place where souls can join and become more than their separate partnership. Bed is the site of communion between flesh and spirit, where lovers can emerge refreshed and revitalized, more in touch with each other and with a stronger sense of self.

This is the potential for sexual joining: mutual caring, tenderness, honest display of emotions, spiritual communion. Without caring and commitment, the soul is starved for the nutrients it richly deserves. Such deprivation is followed by stinging pangs of remorse and regret, self-incriminations that are more awful companions than chastity.

I wish you a lifetime of bed gratitude.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at sumor123@aol.com.