DEAR SUSAN: You write about love addiction as if it's a bad thing to be in love. Is it so very bad? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Being in love is wonderful. Exalting, mellowing, shifting one's entire outlook on life into upbeat and forgiving — how could something that good be bad? The thing is, though, I'm not talking about love when I put the words "love" and "addiction" side by side.

I hope this malady never infects you. It's insidious — creeping into a relationship and destroying it from the inside. Its core is something we politely call "jealousy." But it's more than that, a lot more, a possessiveness often mistaken for intense love. At first, it's a bit bothersome, but it's also, in a way, flattering. To be wanted so deeply must be a good thing, we tell ourselves. But it grows from there and deepens into ownership. And no one wants to be a piece of property. Pretty soon, outsiders are discouraged from entering the twosome, made to feel unwelcome. But still, it feels good to be wanted so badly that the whole world is shut out. Right? So very wrong! Soon one member of the duo realizes he/she feels like a shut-in, caged like a pet possession. Only this cage is terminal — and unloving. Both partners — can't call them lovers — sink into the mire of exclusiveness gone wrong. Ownership. Relationship made ill.

Oh, how wrong this addiction makes life. Whereas the partners in a healthy relationship stand back to back, facing out into the world, this travesty keeps the world far away. Here's to healthy love that welcomes the world beyond its borders.

DEAR SUSAN: I see men with women and wonder why the man chose her instead of me. Case in point: I went with friends to a bar some months ago and saw a lot of men with blah women and wondered what they have that I don't. I spent the entire evening getting admiring glances but nothing else; not one man asked for my number. Friends say I'm above average in looks and a wonderful person. But I guess that in love, that doesn't matter. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Sorry, dear one, but you've been misinformed. Actually, you are so wrong it's dangerous. From all I know, men consider the exterior of a woman important — but only up to a point. It's not their most important must-have. What is? A sense of humor, a willingness to laugh and enjoy his company. Not the woman who has above-average looks (ahem) but is totally consumed with herself and why she isn't in the company of a man. You must have been a pleasant sight to behold perched on a barstool, but so what? Is that enough for a man with a nice-but-blah woman to get up from his table and ask for your phone number? Obviously not. So you went home alone, taking your above-average looks with you.

How about getting real and involving yourself in something real, substantive, interesting — something that puts you with like-minded people who like your looks but are drawn to your charm, your enthusiasm, your lack of artifice? Get real, dear friend. Get into the world. It's a lot bigger and more exciting than sitting on a barstool and gazing at other ladies' blah-ness. Get another interest besides the other sex. It will make you much more interesting, I guarantee.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at susan@single-file.com.

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