When flight attendants collect our napkins, plastic cups and cellophane wrappers before a landing, they're instructed to ask passengers, not for their "trash," but for their "service items."

According to a former flight attendant I heard on the radio the other day, this is partly because the request "Your trash?" sounds too much like "You're trash!"

"Service items" is a euphemism, of course — a pleasant term substituted for an unpleasant one. Indeed, no enterprise spawns more euphemisms than airline travel, where terms like "water landing," "flotation devices" and "motion discomfort receptacle" mask the realities of ditching the plane, life-preservers and barf bags.

Don't get me wrong. I like euphemisms as much as the next guy. After all, they sugarcoat reality. I'd rather say "bathroom" than "toilet," "pass away" than "die," and "canoodle" than "have sex."

But, oh, the euphemisms we weave when we seek to deceive! To a banker, a second mortgage is a "home equity loan." To a landlord, a basement apartment is on the "garden level." To a discount store, customers are "guests," and employees are "team members." To a realtor, a "time share" is "holiday ownership."

People no longer "hate" a policy, for instance; they "have issues" with it. And employers tell fired employees, "We're going to have to let you go," as if the restless employees were suddenly being liberated from a prison to pursue their own dreams.

Some of the more creative euphemisms over the centuries have included "ceiling inspector" (an Old West term for a prostitute), "midair passenger exchange" (the head-on crash of two airplanes) and "head count reduction" (a management term for layoffs).

For some reason, I'm especially annoyed by a euphemism currently used by retail clerks at the cash register: "How would you like to take care of that?" meaning, "Pay me now." If I'm ever buying a houseplant when I hear this, I'll be tempted to reply, "With water and plant food."

Of course, I'm also annoyed by the question commonly asked by servers at restaurants: "Are you still workin' on that?" I always want to reply, "Yes, and could you please bring me a new pick and shovel?"

The "workin' on that?" trope is the opposite of a euphemism — a "dysphemism" (a disagreeable or offensive term used for an agreeable one). This "guest," for one, wishes that restaurants' "team members" would stop "workin' on" ... er, doing that.

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Conn., invites your language sightings. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via e-mail to Wordguy@aol.com or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.